Thee Real Joy Podcast

Welcome back to Thee Real Joy Podcast.

Today’s episode.

So if you watched my real talk,

you already know
what we're here for today.

But today's
episode is going to be on grief.

This is, like I said in the Real Talk,
going to be a challenge for me,

so just bear with me.

It's a vulnerable, real conversation,
so I'm just going to jump right into it.

So when looking at

my grief journey,
I was watching a documentary.

Meg thee Stallion.

I don't know
if you all saw that documentary.

I really recommend you watching it.

It is so good.

Not even I'm looking at it at a grief
standpoint, but just in general.

Like knowing her as an artist
and knowing the story behind the artist.

I really loved it.

But as we all know, Meg
also lost her mother at the age of

I think she was in her early 20s as well,
and I resonated so much with her story

because not only did she lose her mom, but
she lost her dad at a younger age, too.

She lost her dad in high school,
and I never mentioned my father

on the podcast, but I also lost
my dad at an early age as well.

So that tied into her story as well.

So that stood out to me too.

But Meg, when you watch the,
her documentary, it starts out

and she's about to graduate from college,
which is like a big moment for her.

She's about to cross the stage,
and everyone around her is so excited.

Like they're pumping her up.

She's getting her hair and makeup done,
and she looks beautiful

and she gets her degree and she's like,
all excited, and she comes back

and the reality of the situation
still exists.

But everyone around her is so exciting.

And you could kind of see that she's,
like, excited to be in that moment.

But something is missing.

And that's
how she started to talk about her mom.

And that stood out to me, because I feel
like that is my exact feeling in life.

Like I'll be in a moment, I'll be excited,
and then it's just like this constant

reminder of like the one person
that I will want to share this moment with

and like where I'm at right now,
I like they're not.

They're like, you're you.

You aren't able to share that moment
with them.

So that really stood out to me,
when I was watching her documentary.

And when she talks about her,
her mother's relationship

and like, it's just so powerful

because at one point she was like,
my mom was just not my mom.

Like, that was my best friend.

Like,
she that's your purpose in life, you know?

And when she talks about losing that,

you're talking

about someone who is in the public eye
who has to show up

daily like we see Meg thee Stallion,
you know, we're like, where's the music?

Where's this?
And she felt like she had to keep going.

She had to keep going.

But at some point in time, that grief,

you just feel like one day you wake up
and you can't fake it anymore.

You can't smile anymore.

You can't just show up anymore.

And I think just seeing her in that moment
and seeing her for that person

also, I relate it to her
because I think at a certain point

in life, you just have to be like, it's
okay to not be okay.

You have to be honest
about not being okay.

And I would say for her,
our grief process was a little different

because she didn't really have

a time to really process it.

Her mom just went into the hospital
and then she was fake.

It was like a really fast process.

But for me, my mom was sick.
She had cancer.

And I remember at one point
they had only given her,

I don't remember if it was two days
or two weeks to live, but it was very like

a very sudden time line
and we didn't know.

I think that was like at the beginning of
when we found out that she had cancer,

and she ended up living longer than that.

I think when they gave her that
final notice, she lived

maybe even a year after that.

But I think for me personally,
my grieving process started

when someone told me
that I was going to lose my mom

in two weeks or two months or whatever
it was.

And I think that for the people

around me,
my grieving process looked different.

It was moments of anger,

it was moments of misunderstanding,
and I just feel like

right at the time when my mom passed,

I had already been through
this whole emotion of anger.

So let me talk about
where that anger came from.

So my mom got married
when I was in college.

She I got married,
I talked about it on my real talk.

So I think for this episode, it's
going to help

if you guys go back
and listen to my first real talk.

I kind of talk
about the dynamic of my stepdad

and kind of how I feel, how
that played a part in things.

So I'm going to touch on it now,
but I go into depth more in that video.

So I would suggest
you go back and watch it.

The first real talk that I ever did,
but me and my stepfather,

he had this protection over my mom, but

I think he often protected her from things
she didn't need protection from.

And what she actually needed
protection from was him himself.

But he was very protective over her,
which actually was control.

And he kept her family away from her.

And if you know anything about my mom,

there was,
like, three things that brought her life.

Church, me, as her daughter and family

in general, like those three things, is
what kept her lined.

Like my mom cooked Sunday dinner

every Sunday for my family
like it was Thanksgiving every Sunday.

Not because she felt obligated. That's
what brought her joy.

That's about her happiness.

So when she got married,
her husband moved her away

from a street
that my whole family lived on.

It was like,
I believe there was four houses

on that street that my family shared.

And we were all we do.

We did everything together.

When she got married, he changed
the dynamic completely of the family,

isolated
her, took her to another part of town.

It was just them, he didn't
like people coming over.

We can no longer just stop by.

My mom was like,
I had this open door policy,

so if you was hungry,
you could come in and eat.

If you needed a place like she was just
that type of person for the family.

So when she got married,
the dynamics changed with everyone around

her, everyone
and including me, her only child.

And I think that when you talk about grief

and you're talking about
someone who was raised by a single mom,

I remember I had a family member,
actually my grandma, she told someone that

she believes that I feel like my mom's

death was just about me, and it's like,

No but Yes

like no one is affected
the way that I am affected

because I'm losing my mom,
like my grandmom has other children.

You have other daughters like you.
You're going to.

But like her
child, like it's just a little different.

So I feel like.

And going back to what I'm saying,
during that process of her passing away

and her getting weaker
and having those last days,

I wasn't able to spend that time
with my mom

the way I would have like to,
because her husband was too busy

worrying about financial things
that was going to happen after.

So if he kept my mom away from me,
we wouldn't have these conversations

of what's going to happen after and where
money is going to be allocated to.

We we weren't able to have those moments,
and I think that that was very strategic

and keeping me away
and keeping that reality

away from my mom, that she was going
to leave me in this world by myself

and just to give

you an example of what
I'm saying, like her husband drove,

1996 Crowne Vic
two weeks after my mom passed,

he got a brand new 2019 Chevy truck.

So that's what I mean.

When things are strategically placed to,

have an outcome that benefited one person

and to kind of alienate
and leave the other person to the side.

But I say that to say during this process,
before my mom even passed away,

I had so much anger built up inside of me

that I don't think I was understood
properly.

And I think the way that I was acting out
because I felt like nobody was advocating

for me, that everybody kind of saw
the effect of what was happening.

But no one,
like people would talk about it like,

why is he doing this to you?
Why is he doing that?

But nobody would like and I'm thinking of
adults at the time because that's I'm 20,

but I'm thinking about 40 year olds
and 50 year olds, my aunts, people

that I grew up with,
nobody was kind of coming

to like and saying, like to my defense
almost to saying, why?

Why is this being done?

I don't understand why
this is being done to her.

And I think over time
that anger just cut building up.

So at the time of grief,
when I actually lost my mom

and when the death actually took place,
I wasn't overwhelmed.

But this sadness, because I was already
going through that process.

I already had to live without my mom
while she was still here,

because I was being alienated
and I was being pushed away from her.

So I think I grieving
process is a little different

and even at that funeral,

I remember I was sitting there and

it was just me and my stepdad

on the front row,
so I hadn't talked to him.

We've been like at odds.

He had called the police on me
at one point

because I just showed up to my mom's house

because I'm like, you're not going
to keep me from my mom.

And he called the police on me.

So, like just giving you a background
to, like, our relationship

and we're both sitting on the front row
and my mom's general,

and she's just like, in the casket,
and we're just sitting there and

I think that on the outside looking in,

I looked like the bad daughter
because I wasn't around everyone.

And I started to like, alienate myself
because I felt

so alone already and misunderstood.

So when we were at the funeral,
they did a standing ovation

for my mom's husband,
for being such a great husband

and being so supportive through
this process and taking care of her.

And I remember just sitting
there just like,

wow, like the irony of this moment,

the person who I feel
took her lifeline away from her.

And if people really understood
the control and what was being done,

and the irony that you guys
are clapping for this man

and saying
that he is the best husband ever.

I believe that's
what really sparked my anger.

And I remember telling someone, my cousin,
that I was really close to with at the time

She wasn't able to come to the funeral,
and I think that

that was like a good thing,
almost because I told her,

like when we bury my mom
and when it's all said and done

and her body goes down, I'm
going to turn to that man

and I'm going to think I said, like,
punch him in the face or something.

And I know she would have been the person
to, like, egg me on

to make sure that happened,
because that's the level of anger

I was at, and I feel like
everything was out of my control

and I was just trying to hold
this respect from my mom.

But I think that's
another part of my grief.

I felt like after my mom passed, I didn't
have anybody to hold me to a standard.

I was just like, Now
I'm gonna display this anger, and this way

I'm going to act out in this way because

I don't have
this person to kind of guide me anymore.

I don't have this person
to hold me accountable,

because if you think about your parent,
that's kind of what they do.

They they are the ones that raised you.

They know how,
what you're supposed to be doing in life.

And so when I lost that,
I felt like all bets are off for everybody

I'm going to be the person
that you guys have painted me out to be.

And that turned me into what

grief turned me into in 2018.

The 2019,
I say, was a person that I never knew.

I could be,

and I'm not proud of that person
looking back because I was just so like,

even when I think about relationships
and my

I never had a “hoe phase” in life,

but I feel like go back to Kalani’s dad

we had this whole college relationship
that was after that.

And I remember what happened
the night that my mom passed.

My ex came.

So all this stuff compiles.

So now I'm single.

I haven't been single in a while.

I've always had these real relationships
with people.

These like meaningful life

long, like, supposed to be
my husband, relationships.

I don't have that anymore. I lost my mom.

It turned me into a person
that was like a rebel or like

I could do what I want
because who gon check me, you know,

like, so I remember like like

because I was grieving,

I wasn't eating, so I was like drinking
and smoking all the time.

So I lost weight in like two weeks.

This is in my 20s now.

So I dropped weight
this is the smallest I have ever been.

I literally started to become
so hypersexual.

Like I remember just like having this,

like sexual like.

But when I think back to
I was looking for some type of love

or some type of attention, and

I did not even recognize myself
at one point.

Like I remember just doing stuff
just to do it

and looking for some type of,
like I said, attention, affection.

So I think like when grief isn't properly,

when you don't properly sit down

and deal with the root of things,

I found it just leading into things
that just wasn't healthy.

It wasn't healthy, it wasn't

anything.

I was around people that I didn't
need to be around,

just anybody who was willing to accept me.

So I have friends
that weren't really my friends.

They're probably using me,
probably just having me around

for the money
or different things like that.

So my grieving process just
was really hard at first because I didn't.

I think when you talk about grief, right,

like you think, okay,
I'm going to be with my family.

My family is going to get me through this.

My support system. But.

My grieving process

was with everyone but my family.

And I think, like I said, it was due to
just like I had lost trust in my family.

And I found myself having to make

my own support system
or people who weren't in my family.

And it was hard

because at the time I was living
like I sat on the street with my family.

So I had like an aunt over here,
over here and next door to me.

But it often at times felt like

during the

process
everyone was like wanting to be around me.

A because like I said, they thought
I had came into all this money

when they realized that
what I said was actually happening.

I didn't get anything after my mom passed
other than like $5,000, I would say,

which I owed people at the time
because I wasn't working.

I kept calling out for bereavement,
so I still had to pay bills I had.

So like when that money came to me,
it was like nothing already.

So I think that my family didn't
understand that

I was mad that my mom had passed away.

Like I said, this
guy's pulling up in a new car.

He gave all his grandkids all this money.

He furnished his granddaughter's house
off of my mom's

like he was taking care of his family
after my mom passing away.

And I remember
his granddaughter was friends

with someone that I knew,
and she was like, oh, yeah.

My friend said to me that her grandfather

bought all this furniture
because some lady died.

And I was like, she didn't even know
that it was her grandfather's wife.

Some lady died and she just got all
this stuff and was given all these things.

And it was just like,
not that lady was my mom.

You guys are benefiting off of her
passing away and you're being taken care

of. But her daughter and her granddaughter
is basically out here just

assed out,

basically, you know, like, with no one
to take care of them with no one.

So, like, as you guys can see,
I'm still very like.

I think this is when we talked about
healing.

Healing is such a lifelong process
because we're still human.

And when things come up is still affects
you as if it just happened yesterday.

No matter how far you come from that day
when you

those emotions come up
and that rawness comes up like it's okay

to, you can say that you're healed,
but it's okay

to still have those emotions
and to still have those feelings.

So I think that grief

is so important to talk about because
like I said, if it's not talked about,

if you don't deal with the root of things,
if you don't,

if you're not honest with yourself
about where you are in that moment,

it could be very detrimental to your
character, to who you are as a person.

And if you don't have the right people
around you who are pouring into you,

who are checking on you,
who are really trying to understand

where you are and help you through that,
I think that that can be the

I think that's where grief can take
a good turn or a bad turn, right.

Like if you have the proper support
system, if people are understanding

where you are, like I remember one part

when I was talking about
I went to a mental hospital right?

And I remember my cousin
and my aunt came to the mental hospital

and they literally like, came there.

And I'm just sitting
and whatever they had on me.

And I remember sitting at the table
and I was and, and I wasn't talking,

and they just literally stared at me
like they went to the zoo

to look at an animal behind the glass.

Like, I remember they were just like,
looking at me and like, this daze

And they didn't
give any words of encouragement.

They didn't say, like,
what's going on in here?

Like there was nothing like no one

at that time ever took into consideration.

I feel like this girl just lost her mom,
as simple as that.

Sounds like everybody was whining about,
oh, I just lost my cousin.

Oh, I just lost my sister.

Oh, I just lost this person.

But, like, nobody, like, thought about
this 25 year old girl just lost her mom.

And what does that do for her world?

Well,
what is that going to look like for her?

Who's going to teach her these things
that she's still trying to understand

as a woman who's going to give her that
nurturing attitude towards her?

Who's going to tell her at 20 years

you're not going to have everything
figured out.

Who's going to continue to cultivate
that person as she's trying to be?

Nobody.

I felt like in that moment and my family
took that role, took that responsibility.

No one did that for me.

And it forced me to find people like Jamie,

to find people outside of my family,

because nobody took that time
to really understand me.

In that moment, it was so easy
to write me off because she's angry.

Hell yeah, I'm angry.

You would be angry
if these things were happening to you too.

But I almost made it easy.

Like, oh, she's angry, so
we're just going to leave her to be angry?

Oh, she has an attitude, so leave her.

If she wants to have an attitude,

she's going to have to understand
what that attitude does for her.

This is not just about her.

We lost this person to know
because there's people

I like think to my aunt,
who is, I believe, 60 years old.

She lives with my grandma
still to this day.

They do everything together.

They go on vacation together, they go
grocery shopping together, everything.

And you're telling me
right now as a sixty year woman

if you will lose your mom
at that big age.

You would not know.

But you have had your mom to help you
raise your kids.

You've had your mom at your wedding.

You've had your mom now,
all these things that you're

talking about,

like 25 year old and it was almost like
they were holding it

to the standards of them as an adult.

Like, okay, we'll just deal with that.

You've lost your mom like,

oh, okay.

Like you'll be okay.

And it's like, no,
I absolutely won't be okay.

I'm a new mom

And me saying all these things now,

I realize I never
I would just internalize everything.

And it turned into anger
and it turned into anger.

And I was just so angry at the fact

that I would even have to say
these things to people.

Like,
why do I have to explain this to you?

So I think in the next part,
I really want to share with you guys

my family dynamic
and really talk about the support system

in that time and kind of shed
light more on my family dynamics

with people
and where I'm at today with my family.

So thank you
so much for tuning into this episode.

And I know you guys like, felt
the emotion, but stay tuned for part two.

And I'm going to continue and telling you
about my family and everything.