Who is TheeRealJoy? part 2 - Season of Transition
From that night, I knew that I had to leave North Carolina. Like, there was no other option. My home was destroyed. I felt violated. Like I said, I had just moved to that apartment, I think, 17 days.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I moved September 1st, and I think this all happened, like, September 17th, 18th. So I quickly had to try to figure out a game plan while going through grief, while going through, the worst breakup I probably ever experienced at the age 25. Right? So I will say that as resilient as I was in the process, I was still human. And I had such a human moment where I think we say all the time, like, it's okay to not be okay.
TheeRealJoy:And I had a moment where every day when I would wake up, I just could not do life. Like, I would wake up, but I went through a period of time where I wasn't eating anything, and I was literally picking up Crown Royal Apple and drinking it in my bed until the next day and the next day and the next day. And I will say, like I said, this is a real a real vulnerable space. I actually had to go take a mental vacation, and I had to go to a mental hospital for, I believe like I said, everything was a blur, but I believe for about 3 to 4 days. At that moment, I had to make a decision as a mother because my daughter was 3 years of age at this point.
TheeRealJoy:So I had to make a decision as a mother. Right? Like, this is where we will talk about co parenting co parenting and trusting the partner that you have a parent and trusting the partner that you made a child with. So I had a conversation with her dad. He knew everything that was going on, and I had to let my 3 year old go stay with her dad for I think it was about 4 months, 4 to 6 months, just because I was losing the grasp at life.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I could literally feel, like, every day just felt like, okay. Here we are again, but there was no progression. There was really no I was stuck. Like, I was so stuck. So right before I went to the mental hospital, he came down.
TheeRealJoy:He got her, And we never really had a set plan. Right? Like, he just knew. Okay. I know this happened to you, and you need me.
TheeRealJoy:And I think when we talk about coparenting, I can't wait until he comes and does this episode with me because we always didn't have the best relationship, but I do feel like we always had this family dynamic. Like, okay. Well, you're family and you need us, so here we are. And I love them for that. Him, his mom, his dad, he has such a good support system.
TheeRealJoy:I'm a save that for the episode because I don't wanna get too much into it without him being here. But at that moment, my daughter is now away. So, like, my will to live, like, my whole reason of life at this moment has left me. And I that sacrifice that we talk about as a parent. Because at the time, I had people running every which away, talking about me, saying all these things about me.
TheeRealJoy:And now I have to prove them right again because I can't take care of my child. So now I have to allow her to go live with her dad. So at this moment, I wanted to escape North Carolina as fast as I could. Like, as soon as I left that mental hospital, like I said, I was there for about 3 or 4 days. And like Sherry Alice and like myself, it's like when I was there, I felt as if I was a staff member working there.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I remember, like now this is after I graduated from school with my counseling psychology degree and all this. Being at that hospital was such like, the irony now thinking about it because I wasn't there as a patient. Like, I literally went and I was helping people around me. I was encouraging people there. Like, I was such a light still going through my own things.
TheeRealJoy:It's like taking care of other people and wanting to be there and encourage and motivate and inspire other people was like it kept me going. Like, that was my passion. And I think that's why I always come back to it because that's what really brings me life. Like, that's what really brings me true happiness and the real joy of life coming here to inspire and to motivate. But like I said, at that time, I wish I could kinda go more into my my stay at the mental hospital, honestly.
TheeRealJoy:Like I said, it was such a blur. I just remember being there being, like, a positive inspiration to people, but I wish I could kinda like, I don't remember what I ate. I remember talking to people. Can't really tell you from, like, the staff point. I think at the time I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, they tried to give me medicine.
TheeRealJoy:I I started taking it when I got out of the hospital, but I remember it not I didn't feel like it was conducive to, like, me trying to break out of the grief and break out of the depression because it would make me feel so like, I wasn't able to it numbed me even more than I was like. I'm like, I don't need anything else to like, I'm already numb. I don't wanna be numb anymore. So I think at that moment, I chose to take myself off those meds at the time. And I never looked back.
TheeRealJoy:I never got back on meds or anything like that. I think that I kinda used journaling and different outlets. Like, I took that and put it into creativity and journaling and different things like that. So I remember getting out of the hospital, and I'm like, I need to come up with a plan. My daughter is now in New York.
TheeRealJoy:I live in North Carolina. I don't wanna be here. This is not gonna work. Where am I gonna go? So probably someone that will be a co host on episode.
TheeRealJoy:Her name's Jamie. She's like my big sister. She's like, someday, she's the best friend. Someday, she's the big sister. Someday, she plays the mom role.
TheeRealJoy:It kinda just depends. You'll hear her name a lot because she's a part of my journey in so many different ways. I remember through every point just talking to her. And it's so funny because sometimes we'll talk to this day, and I'm telling her story and she'll be like, yeah, Ev, I know. Like, you called me.
TheeRealJoy:You told me. And I'm like, really? She was like, you called me and told me everything at that moment. But it like I said, I was so like, she even said when I was in the mental hospital, like, I was calling her and talking to her, and I don't remember those conversations at all. But she plays such a key role in this journey because I remember talking to her and telling her, like, where I'm at in life.
TheeRealJoy:And Kehlani's in New York, and she lived in Connecticut at the time. And she was like, okay. So it sounds like you need to move close to where Kalani is. Like, let's get you to Connecticut. And I'm like, alright.
TheeRealJoy:Let's do it. So at the time, I worked for enterprise. Like I was saying before in corporate, I was a assistant manager at the time. So So the good thing about working in corporate and especially for enterprise, it's a easy transfer. As long as they have a space open and your numbers look great and, like, I was one of the top sellers, it was easy for me.
TheeRealJoy:I could literally pick where I wanted to go. So that was a tool at the time that was spot on. Grateful for that. So I called Enterprise. I got my transfer ready.
TheeRealJoy:I was good to go. It's funny because I got my transfer just in time because I wasn't able to go back to work due to, like, everything I have been going through. So my days were running out. So the transfer literally happened, I think, like, 5 days before my bereavement time was over, which I had got extended so many times. So I called enterprise.
TheeRealJoy:Boom. Perfect. Transfer. We had made living arrangements for me here. It was going to be a close, friend of the family.
TheeRealJoy:I was going to stay with them. Everything was on point. The day so so leading up to me going to Connecticut, like I said, I had just put my apartment. Like, I just signed my lease. I just furnished my apartment, everything.
TheeRealJoy:And now I have to leave. So I'm like, okay. I can't break my lease because my landlord is gonna be like, what are you doing? What are you talking about? My landlord does not know that my window was busted, and I still need to get that fixed.
TheeRealJoy:Okay. Cool. The closest person to me at the time, my gosh, was she was like, I'll just sublease your apartment. Like, we can do that. That's cool.
TheeRealJoy:Like, that'll work. I'm like, okay. Cool. You can have it as is. You can have the furniture.
TheeRealJoy:You can have whatever you want in this apartment. Please just pay the rent. That's all I need you to do. Pay the rent. Okay.
TheeRealJoy:So I make a plan. I pack everything I could in this one suitcase, and I book a Amtrak ticket. I actually think Jamie might have bought me the Amtrak ticket now that I think about it. And we're like, okay. Cool.
TheeRealJoy:I'm gonna go to Connecticut. The day before I leave to go to Connecticut, I remember Jamie calling me. And she's like, I'm so sorry, and I'm like, what's going on? Like, what happened? And she's like, unfortunately, where we had found a place for you to stay, the situation has changed there, and the room is no longer available.
TheeRealJoy:You're not gonna be able to go there. So I'm like, okay. Alright. She's like, I'm so sorry. Like, let me know if there's anything I could do to help, anything like that.
TheeRealJoy:So I remember hanging up, and I was walking around the parking lot of the apartment I lived in at the time. I'm just brainstorming, and I'm just like, okay. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I still need to leave North Carolina.
TheeRealJoy:Like, that is my mission. I have to leave North Carolina, especially now that my daughter is in New York. Alright. So I called my aunt. I'm like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:Cool. So my aunt lived in Massachusetts, which I where I went to high school and college. So she was there. So I knew I had some connections there. My best friends from high school still live there.
TheeRealJoy:So I'm like, okay. This might be, you know, an okay, you know, circumstance. We're gonna make the best of it. So I remember calling her, and I explained the situation. Like, I did have somewhere to go, but now I don't.
TheeRealJoy:Is it cool if I just come there and figure it out? Now the thing with the enterprise transfer, I had to let my job go because at this point, I kinda looked unstable. Like, I was out on bereavement, and then I kept extending. And then I said I was gonna move to Connecticut. And now, just kidding, not Connecticut, Boston.
TheeRealJoy:They're like, girl, you got a lot going on. Like, we're gonna have to let you go. So now I lost my job. So I'm like, okay. Cool.
TheeRealJoy:Well, we're just gonna make it work. So got on the train, got to Canton, Massachusetts. My aunt so my cousin was there, and my aunt was there. It was a 2 bedroom apartment. So she had a bedroom, my cousin had a bedroom, and I had the couch.
TheeRealJoy:So I made the best of it. When I got there, I I so let's put a pause. I think when people see that someone close to you has passed, they automatically assume dollar signs. They automatically think that there was this check that was given to you, and you are just good. Like, you are gonna go out there.
TheeRealJoy:You're just gonna make the best of it. In full transparency, I probably got $6,000 after my mom passed. Now that's gonna change as we get into the story because I had to fight for a lot of things that should have been given to me due to I was her only child, and it was just me and her. But when marriages and things come into play, things could get a little messy. But I'm a save that for a different episode.
TheeRealJoy:But I will say that when someone passes away, whether it's a parent or some people, just automatically assume your inheritance is 1,000,000 of dollars. And as this time went on, I could kinda see, looking back, that people were accepting me with that mindset. Like, they were like, yeah, come. Like, come here. Yeah.
TheeRealJoy:Yeah. You could stay here. It's gonna be good. But I don't think they realized, like, if I had that money, I wouldn't need to come stay with you. I wouldn't need to be at your house.
TheeRealJoy:I would just go buy a house. So it's like what I was feeling in that moment of, like, okay. Now I could I just needed a place to go where I could just pause. Right? Like, so many things have been lost right now.
TheeRealJoy:Relationships, mother has been lost, job has been lost, housing has been lost, like, so much loss. Like, that became such a running, like it was just like loss, loss, loss after loss. Lost my daughter. Now she's in New York. So I get to Massachusetts, and I'm like, cool.
TheeRealJoy:I'm here. I hit the ground running. I'm looking for jobs. I'm looking for places. But we gotta realize, I brought a suitcase with me.
TheeRealJoy:I had to pay for tickets. I had to, like I'm not getting income, so every move I make, that account is negative. It's it's coming down. Like, everything is coming out of it. So I get to my aunt's house.
TheeRealJoy:I'm looking for a job, and she's like, okay. Well, you're gonna have to pay me $300 to sleep on this couch a month. I'm like, okay. And I know that seems like such a small amount, but when we go back to family and when I talk about who my mom was to my family, my mom was the woman who, if you came in my house and said, oh my gosh. Those shoes are so cute.
TheeRealJoy:She's bagging them up and giving giving them to you. This is a aunt that had lived with us in multiple houses and multiple locations for free. This is a aunt that had ate at my house probably every day for free. Like, I just wanna give, like, the background of, like, the the mother that I came from and how she was, like, the patriarch of my family. And she held everyone together.
TheeRealJoy:She took care of everyone's kids. She fed everyone's kids. She was literally that person. So I was kinda shocked. I'm not like, I know $300 doesn't sound like a lot, but this is coming from someone who said they were my second mother.
TheeRealJoy:This is coming from someone who I had just always saw as, like in my head, I'm like, oh, well, your son doesn't pay rent, and he has a job. Why do I have to pay rent at this time where I'm grieving and I, you know, I don't have a job, and I've never been the type of person to take advantage of peep like, I was just like but I didn't wanna do this woe is me pity mindset. So, of course, okay. Cool. I got you.
TheeRealJoy:$300. Cool. So I remember sitting there and just thinking, like, when it comes to family, and I hate to keep saying this. I'll definitely have an episode about it. There's, like, a little like, this aunt that I went to, I had already had a weird feeling because our connection wasn't as strong as it once was when I was growing up because she didn't come to my mom's funeral, due to a issue that they had with my mom's husband at the time, which I completely like, looking back now, I'm 32 years old.
TheeRealJoy:That's when I was 25. Do I understand the conflict? Yes. But do I ever think that someone could make me so upset that I can't pay respects at their funeral? I'm not sure from a disagree from a disagreement.
TheeRealJoy:And I think that was hard for me to understand the fact that you didn't come to my mom's funeral. So how could you love an extension of her? How could you you you didn't even come to be there for me. So I think along with that and the $300 thing, it kind of made me feel uneasy. It gave me a lot of anxiety.
TheeRealJoy:It I didn't I never felt at home. Like, it felt like I was at someone's house sleeping on their couch and in the way. That's exactly what it felt like. And I remember thinking to myself, oh, great. Now I'm at my aunt's house.
TheeRealJoy:I can get my daughter back because she doesn't need to be in New York now. She can be here with the family, and everything is gonna be good. And I remember coordinating with my daughter's dad to bring her down, and I had her for maybe about 3 or 4 days. And my aunt was just kinda like, yeah, this is not gonna work. Like, I didn't say, like, both of you could be here in a sense.
TheeRealJoy:I'm just like, oh, wow. Like I said, this is someone who had a bedroom at my mom's house, her and her son. My mom, for some reason, always had 4 bedroom houses. I don't know why her thing with 4 bedroom houses. But I had a room, my mom had a room, my cousin had a room, and my aunt had a room, no matter what house.
TheeRealJoy:So now I'm like, wait. My me and my daughter can't but I'm your second daughter. So isn't this like your granddaughter? But I think that's where that saying you love someone and the action of loving someone is 2 different things. And I think that's where I started to realize, and you'll hear me say, like, there's nothing like a mother's love.
TheeRealJoy:And for someone to say, like, oh, but I'm your second mom, there's just no way. Like, a mother's love is so pure, so unconditional. It's so I don't care how much space we have. We're gonna make it work. So I say all these things because the person who I was before 2019 and then the insight that I'm getting is just I feel like shaping me.
TheeRealJoy:It's like and I never still had this woe is me pity moment. I'm just, like, enlightened, like, okay. Okay. So this is how this is gonna be. This is how you need to move.
TheeRealJoy:Okay. This is a lesson. Like, I just remember putting it's like I was putting pieces of a puzzle together and, like, making a new picture. Like, a unfamiliar puzzle I did not know I was gonna be creating, but I'm doing the best with it that I can. So I remember having a conversation with her dad, and I'm like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:So I thought she was gonna be able to stay here with me, but she isn't. Can I buy some more time? At this point, this was 2 months of her being with her dad. So, like I said, this happened. She went with her dad in October.
TheeRealJoy:We're now in December because I left North Carolina. I remember specifically the end of November. I was in Massachusetts for Thanksgiving. So now we're in December, and I'm like, okay. And then my clock and in my head, it's just a clock ticking, like, how to get back to Kehlani, how to get back to Kehlani.
TheeRealJoy:Like, that's all my focuses at the time. So I'm like, okay, cool. So she says that. So I have this thing where I mentally move from a space before I physically move from a space. So you'll see me physically somewhere, but mentally, I'm already figuring out, okay, boom, I'm over here.
TheeRealJoy:I'm a do it like this. I'm a do it like that. But you'll see me planted here, but, no, I'm I'm on plan z at this time. So as I'm at my aunt's house, and I'm just realizing, like, this isn't gonna be a comfortable situation for me. I'm talking to my best friends at the time, and I'm telling them a little bit about what's going on with me.
TheeRealJoy:And my best friend's sister, she's just like, listen. I live in Rhode Island. Like, even though you see me here, I commute back and forth. I work at Sprint up the street. My manager, he can get you in.
TheeRealJoy:We can get you a job. You can commute with me back and forth, and we're we're gonna just we're gonna help you. We're gonna like, you're you're gonna be fine. You don't need to depend on your family. I'm like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:Cool. So I packed my stuff. I remember, at first, we didn't wanna tell my aunt that I was leaving. So I remember, like, putting my stuff in, like, a trash bag and putting it in her trunk. And, like, that's our joke because for a while, I was there was, like, a little linen closet in her bathroom, and I had my stuff, like, tucked in there out of a garbage bag.
TheeRealJoy:So I was literally, like, getting dressed out of a garbage bag. And, like, thinking back to that, like, that sounds so sad, but in the moment, I was not sad. I was, like, I'm with my girl. We cool. Like, we were just chilling.
TheeRealJoy:So that was, like, such a transitioning moment for me too because it's like even living out of a trash bag. Like, I was happy. I was comfortable. It's all about, like, perspective, I think. But in Rhode Island, that was such a pivotal time point for me too because I started gaining that independence back.
TheeRealJoy:I was working. I was making money. But at this point, all my money was going to going to New York to see my daughter. Like, I couldn't really save because as soon as I would get a little bit, I'm going to New York. I'm going to New York.
TheeRealJoy:So I remember talking to a family member, and they were like, listen. Come to DC. You'll have your own room. Like, she kinda heard, I guess, telling somebody on the phone, like, what you're doing. She's like, wait.
TheeRealJoy:You in the bathroom? You, like, living out of a trash bag? Like, what are you talking about? Like, I have a bedroom down here. Like, you'll have your own room.
TheeRealJoy:I'm a manager at my job. I can get you on. So I'm like, okay. Alright. At least I'll have a room now so I could bring my daughter.
TheeRealJoy:Right? Like, cool. I have my own space. So we leave Rhode Island. We go to DC.
TheeRealJoy:So when I got to DC, it was one of those things, like, it it was, what they say, like, a a beautiful facade, I would say. I thought, like, this is it. I'm gonna get my daughter. Everything's gonna be great. So I packed my stuff in my suitcase, and now we're in DC.
TheeRealJoy:DC was a vibe, for a little bit. I felt like I was gaining some momentum there. I got into a relationship when I was in DC, and I don't know if that hindered or helped. It seemed like it helped at the time, but, emotionally, I don't think I was ready for a relationship. I thought that it was gonna kinda propel me and push me for it when it came.
TheeRealJoy:Like like, I didn't have a car. He had a car. So he was, like, helping me, like, get me back and forth to work when I needed to go see my daughter, when I needed to pick her up. He would, like, help me with that. But I think, emotionally, we were in 2 different places.
TheeRealJoy:And I think what we bonded on was the fact that he had also lost his mother before too. So we were codependent on each other in that way. But I don't think it was necessarily the healthiest. So I did have my daughter for a period of time. I believe I was in DC maybe for, I would say, 2 to 3 months.
TheeRealJoy:I had my daughter for a lot of that time. It was still kinda back and forth because I could not afford a babysitter. So at the time, me and my cousin, we were trying to, like, work out our work schedules to, like, kind of she would work morning, I would work afternoon. So we could kinda, like, rotate and she could have my daughter, but it wasn't stable enough. And I was like, nope.
TheeRealJoy:Not doing this. So my daughter went back to New York. But I definitely would I would say I saw my daughter, like, every weekend or, like, 4 times out of the week. So DC kinda ended a little weird, I would say, and I kinda lost relationship with a cousin that I was really close to, that I was living with just due to that relationship that I was with. It ended up being that was her best friend that I ended up being in a relationship with, and I think I kinda called a wedge in between them.
TheeRealJoy:I think that we had some disagreements when it came to financial duties and different things like that. So, unfortunately, that's someone that I could, like, look back. And we had good times together, but we just don't talk anymore. And maybe I'll get more into that when I talk about family dynamics and, like, my different dynamics with different people in my life. But I'll kinda leave that there because we still have to go to from DC, I came to New York, actually.
TheeRealJoy:So me leaving DC was kind of quick. And I called my child's father, and I was just like, listen. I need to be near my daughter. Like, I think that I keep getting, like like, this momentum, but it doesn't last because that is, like, my life, my joy, my everything. So this is what I talk about when I say we're family.
TheeRealJoy:I remember him being like, well, come to New York then. Like, you could just stay with me. And I'm like, okay. So at the time, he lived with his mom, his dad. It was me and Kehlani.
TheeRealJoy:So I got to New York, and I went there with him. But I also had a friend that lived in New York as well. That was maybe, like, 10 minutes from where he lived. And I ended up staying with her because I didn't wanna be at his mom and dad's house. And I remember her mom, we made a deal, and she was like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:If you just pay $500 a month, you can stay here. So once again, didn't have a job. That money is kind of like it's being all these transitions, all these different things. I have to buy clothes for work. So, like, that money is kind of dwindling down.
TheeRealJoy:But, of course, I say yes because we'll figure it out. So I remember moving in, and now I'm sharing a bed with my friend. And I'm, like, paying $500 a month. I'm, like, okay. Cool.
TheeRealJoy:But when the next month came around, I didn't have $500. And I'm, like, oh, shoot. Like, that kinda happened fast. I couldn't find a job. I couldn't find anything.
TheeRealJoy:So I remember going back to Kehlani's dad's a parent's house, and I'm staying there. And I think that for us in that moment, it was just too much going on, and it was a lot of chaos, and it didn't work. So once again, I'm like, oh, okay. Here I am. I'm back at square 1.
TheeRealJoy:I'm literally homeless. Like, this is the most homeless I think I felt through this whole transition because now I'm literally living with someone who kinda is not comfortable anymore. We're arguing. We're kinda getting in the way of each other. And I'm in his parents' house, and that's a different dynamic different dynamic.
TheeRealJoy:So I think this was the point where I reached out. Like, in this whole process, I realized I never raised my hand and said, I need help. So I remember calling Jamie from New York, and I'm just in a panic. And I'm like, I can't stay here. Things are going left.
TheeRealJoy:We're fighting. We're arguing. I don't want this in front of Kehlani. Like, she's already going through this transition. She doesn't need to see her parents arguing and fighting.
TheeRealJoy:I need help. She's like, okay. Let's get a plan together. Now looking back, Jamie was in transition in herself. Like, she was moving from her condo to this new house.
TheeRealJoy:She's a new homeowner. You have to put money into that. So in her voice, you can hear her wanting to help. Like, her help was like she just wanted to, but it was almost like, I don't even know how to right now because I'm trying to help myself and my family get into this house. I remember us talking, and she was just like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:Let's get a plan together. You can come down. You can even see if you like Connecticut because you've really never been to Connecticut to see if you even like it. You could start looking for some jobs. I know Family Dollar up the street is hiring.
TheeRealJoy:Dollar Tree, you used to work at Goodwill. Maybe you could transfer, like, something. Like like, just come and see if you like it. So I know she was thinking probably, like, just come for the weekend, and then you're gonna, like, go back to New York. In my mind, I'm like, I'm coming to Connecticut, and I need to stay.
TheeRealJoy:Did we have that conversation? No. So I remember being on the train and making my way to Connecticut, and I'm just like, okay. I have this big suitcase. I don't have overnight bag.
TheeRealJoy:I don't have a weekend bag. I'm literally, like, about to go to her door with my all my life in one bag. So the feeling of, like, anxiety I'm like, am I gonna be rejected? Is she gonna feel like I'm trying to impose on her? Like, all these feelings of, like, what if she gets mad at me?
TheeRealJoy:Like, did she tell her husband I was coming? Am I gonna like, it was just so many thoughts in my head. And I remember getting out of the Uber and, like, hearing the I also lost a wheel of my suitcase this whole journey. So my suitcase was like, I've had enough. We cannot move anymore.
TheeRealJoy:So I'm like pulling this suitcase, like, up her stairs, and I get to her door. And I know I looked crazy. Like like, looking back, I probably looked so deranged and crazy, and I was just knocking at her door. And she's like, hey, Ab. And I'm like, hey.
TheeRealJoy:I'm here. It would Thank you so much for tuning in to the Real Joy podcast. I hope today's conversation brought you closer to finding your own joy and left you feeling inspired. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. If you like what you heard, share it with your circle.
TheeRealJoy:It might be just the thing they need. Let's keep growing, glowing and finding joy together. Until next time. Take care of yourself and remember to keep it relaxed, relatable and real. See you soon.
