🎙️ EP9: Divorce Isn’t the End — It's the Beginning of A New Chapter | Thee Real Joy Podcast
Viral colonies. Yeah. There is a lot of gems in there. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I thought so. I was like, let me just keep going. Like, we're oh. Welcome back to the Real Joy podcast.
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Speaker 1:So today, we are going to start off our episode. Of course, like I said, all the time, we're going to do a journal prompt. So today, the journal prompt is from the section of the journal that is called Reflection. And I specifically picked this journal prompt today because it kind of got me ready for the episode that I did today, that I prepared for you guys today. So I'm just gonna jump right into the question, and then I'm gonna jump right into the episode, and then you'll see how important it was for me to start my whole reflection process with this prompt.
Speaker 1:So it says, what's something that I overcome that once seemed impossible? And for me, this question really made me sit down and reflect and think about just like everything that I've once overcome, and like, what am I still trying to overcome today? And I think the more I thought about it, something that I'm overcoming is my decision to get a divorce. And that was something that I've been battling with probably since the day I've gotten married. And I'll talk about it more when we go into relationships.
Speaker 1:And I'll kind of end the episode on how I even found myself in a marriage that wasn't for me and how I even got that far to marry someone that just wasn't my person. But I think that is something that I've overcome, and just being able to realize how strong I am. And I think sometimes when we get with the wrong person, I think that they can allow your mind to think differently. They can try to paint a different picture of you. They can try to get you to believe things about yourself that may not be true.
Speaker 1:So this was a decision that I had to overcome because, as we talk all the time about being gaslit, being manipulated, sometimes it makes you kind of go back and think like, could I have done things differently? Or could I have done like, none of us are perfect. And like, there's always room for self improvement. But sometimes, if somebody knows that you're always leading from that perspective, they can kind of manipulate that more and kind of like always make you feel like you need to work on something. You need to work on something.
Speaker 1:But in the end, maybe they're not really working on things themselves. So this has been a decision of mine that I have been going back and forth with since 2022. And I feel like it has hindered me from growing in a self development kind of perspective. I feel like I have lost a lot of time when it comes to just like creative and different things like that. So I'm ready to overcome that decision, and I'm ready to move on.
Speaker 1:And we'll talk more about that because today's episode is about relationships. And I started off this episode trying to figure out what is my relationship with relationships? Like, how did I learn about relationships? What examples did I have in my life? Like I said, I was raised by a single mother, so I didn't see her have any successful marriages.
Speaker 1:My father passed away. Okay, so this is weird. So I was told that my father passed away when I was really young. But then when my mom passed away, they told me, like, different stories about my father. So, like, I was told that he was, like, actually still alive, but he was in jail, and that she was visiting him in jail, and, like, she didn't want me to know that.
Speaker 1:So right away, as you can see, my relationships with relationships, it's been a little weird. It's been a little rocky. But I watched my mom for my whole life. Like I said, she got married when I was maybe around eight years old. But I feel like even in that relationship, it wasn't the healthiest.
Speaker 1:I feel like they were it's funny, because I feel like they were separated more than they were actually married. And I can say that for myself and my own marriage. I feel like we spent more time separated than married. But I remember him living in, like, his own home. I remember, like, me going to his house sometimes, like, visit my stepdad, but, like, we didn't all live in the same house for a long period of time.
Speaker 1:I remember my mom always like motivating him to like finish school, to like get a better job, to get a better car. Like she was always the person that like, I think saw the potential in him, but he didn't do the work himself. And she was always pushing him to want more, to do more. But for the most part, I feel like I watched my mom for my whole life be this successful woman who had multiple businesses, multiple cars, multiple houses. Me and her, believe it or not, renovated like our houses ourselves.
Speaker 1:We laid carpet. We painted walls, like all of that. So growing up, I personally feel like I didn't see a strong male figure in my life, that I could have the example of, oh, this is the type of guy I want to be with when I get older. This is what I want my husband to embody. I want my husband to do these things.
Speaker 1:I didn't really have anyone to give me that example. My grandmother and my grandfather, they were married since I was younger, but they also didn't have this loving connection. It was more transactional. My grandmom had my grandfather's breakfast on the table at 08:00, lunch on the table at twelve, dinner on the twelve at five every day. I didn't see them say, like, I love you.
Speaker 1:I didn't see them, like, hug or kiss or anything. So I really can't use that as an example. But I just remember at a certain point, I went from seeing my mom be like this independent, strong, single woman. And then things were shifting. So I think as I got older, and I started getting a life of my own, I think when you're a single mom, right, and your child is growing up, and they're going to find their own life, I can think back now until my mom was just like, Okay, I did the mom thing.
Speaker 1:Now she's on her own. I need a husband. And I feel like that's what kind of started to happen. But my mom like, wanted to be a wife times like a thousand. Like, she started manifesting for this husband.
Speaker 1:Like, I remember coming home, and she was like clearing out her dresser, like a whole dresser. And she went to the store and bought like socks, underwear, undershirts. And I'm like, what are you doing? And she's like, this is for my husband. I'm prepared for my husband.
Speaker 1:I'm like, who is this man? And she's like, I don't know. But I'm praying and I'm believing that he's going to come. So I have to prepare for him, and all these things. And I just feel like over time, started seeing her value as a woman, and how she could be a wife, and what can she do to prepare to be a wife.
Speaker 1:And I definitely think when you want something, you have to take preparation. You have to prepare your mind for that season. But I feel like she kind of went a little overboard. And I think over time, in my 20s, she started teaching me that the value of being a woman is in being a wife. So I feel like she wasn't teaching me, like, I've owned these many businesses.
Speaker 1:I have these cars. I have these houses. Like, I felt like that wasn't the value that she was teaching me to be a woman. I felt like more so I was like, Okay, to be a good woman, you need to be a good wife. And I will never forget, I think I talked about it in the first episode that I met.
Speaker 1:So not Kalani Zad, but the guy that I was dating after Kalani's dad, who was my serious relationship. I thought we were going to get married. I remember the first time he came to my house for Sunday dinner, and my mom was just watching me make his plate. And it's like, she was just she could not take her eyes off me. She wanted to make sure I made the plate perfectly, that the portions were perfect.
Speaker 1:And I remember serving him. That's what it felt like. Like I served him. I got the plate right. I got his drink.
Speaker 1:I got his silverware. And I remember her yelling at me in front of everybody, because I forgot to give him an afghan. And looking back at that moment, it didn't matter what I did, right? It was like, in that moment, like, you didn't serve this man properly. Like, you need to give him a napkin.
Speaker 1:And the fact that my mom puts that much value into serving a man, I feel like that's what I took away in my 20s as what a relationship was. Like, how can I show up and be this it didn't matter who the guy was? Right? Like, I just knew that as a woman, I'm coming to this relationship. I need to serve you.
Speaker 1:I need to be a wife to you. I need to embody these feminine characteristics. And looking back, it was for people that weren't even qualified for me to give them this whole access to this wifely woman that I was trying to be. And I think in my 20s, like so let me take a step back. I didn't date in high school.
Speaker 1:I was very late to the game, I would say. Very, very late to the game. Like I said, Kalani's I was already in college. We were together that whole time. So I really didn't have a lot of experience when it came to relationships.
Speaker 1:And Kalani's dad, like we talked about, ours was more of like a friendship that like fumbled its way into a relationship. So when it came to my experience in relationships, I had no idea what I was doing. So in my 20s, after I was in that real relationship again, right? Like we met, we fell right into this relationship, my mom had this idea in my mind that when you attach yourself to someone, and when you're interested in someone, and when you're going to be in this is your husband. Like, we date to marry.
Speaker 1:Like, there is nothing else outside of, oh, is this person someone I like? Like, no. It's like, I love you. You're going to be my man. You're my husband.
Speaker 1:And that's it. We're going to have kids. And it'll be off of the simplest things. I didn't really know. Excuse my mouth.
Speaker 1:But I didn't know what a fuck boy was, I guess. I didn't know they existed. I didn't know that was a thing. I just thought, if you said I love you, and I said I love you, we were together. We went together like nothing else.
Speaker 1:So I felt like I spent a lot of time in my 20s, like very do I know I say this word a lot, but I feel like I was in some delusional relationships. Like, the person wasn't even showing me, like, any consistency. They weren't showing me that they were husband material, that they wanted to be a husband. They didn't even want to be a boyfriend. A lot of times, look back, and there was a lot of situationships, things I did not know.
Speaker 1:I just figured, you like me, I like you. We spend a lot of time together, so we go together. So just thinking back to that, I feel like when I was looking for relationships, I only from dealing with my mom and from her teaching me, I only looked for security and protection. Right? Because you're talking about someone who didn't grow up with a father.
Speaker 1:So I felt like I was always looking for someone to protect me, someone I felt safe around. And then security, which was financial security. I wasn't thinking about any emotional intelligence. I wasn't thinking about, are you good for my mental health? Are you good for my self development?
Speaker 1:Are you going to help me achieve these goals that are outside of financial stipulations? Just certain things like that. And I feel like over time, I had to come to the conclusion. I remember my ex that I was talking about, who my mom yelled at me for not giving him a napkin. I remember we were in a relationship.
Speaker 1:And like I said, I was always ready for marriage, I thought, right? Because my mom was teaching me how to be this wife. So I'm like, okay, I'm ready to be married. Like, let's do it. And I remember him having a sit down with me.
Speaker 1:And he said to me, I don't think you're ready to be a wife. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like my value as a woman is gone. Like everything that my mom is teaching me, like she's going to be so disappointed. And looking back, I was not ready to be a wife.
Speaker 1:You're talking about I was maybe 25, 20 six. I thought that being a wife just meant cooking, providing this very superficial, feminine I just thought that's what it was. But I didn't understand that you need to be spiritually sound, that you need to be emotionally connected to someone. So when he told me that, I felt like my value as a woman just was so tarnished. Like, I didn't I just felt like I was broken a little bit.
Speaker 1:So after we broke up, I felt like I was just lost. I feel like that's when my dating phase started, right? So you're talking about being late in the game. You're talking about being twenty twenty six, 20 seven, and now really just starting to date. And me not understanding what dating was was just very, I had expectations that just were not realistic.
Speaker 1:Because I was in long term relationships for so long, I feel like I always thought that these, like I always thought like I was going to be taken care of. After we broke up, that's really when my dating phase started. And I will say that my ex, we'll call him let's let's give some names because I feel like these people, they're gonna come up a lot. So we have Kalani's dad, Kalani's dad would be Kalani's dad. We'll say the potential, right, because like I keep saying this was supposed to be, so we'll call him mister potential.
Speaker 1:So I think Mr. Potential, our relationship is like my standard in my head when it comes to the way I was treated, what I was shown. Like you're talking about someone who really understood how to cultivate someone. And I can tell that he really had an idea of what marriage was. Like he was husband material.
Speaker 1:The only thing about it is at the beginning of everything with us, he stated that he was so let me explain to you guys why. Right? Like, I'm saying, mister potential. You're probably like, okay. So why aren't you, like what happened, why didn't you guys work?
Speaker 1:So yes, Mr. Potential was the guy that came to my house the night that my mother passed, did all the crazy stuff, whatever. But even before that, right, you talk about the jealousy and everything that he embodied that night thinking that I was with someone. There was a moment in our relationship. It was like at the very beginning, I think we were six months in, he told me that he was moving away because he had a job opportunity, but it really was to be with an ex in that town.
Speaker 1:But he made it seem like to everyone that was for this big job opportunity, and he was so excited. I didn't know that it was to be with someone else. We were still talking. In his mind, he said that we weren't together. We never broke up, so that's, like, always a thing.
Speaker 1:But anyway, he moved away to be with her. It didn't work, and he came back to be with me. Never told me anything. I, like, found found this all out after the fact. So came back, came back to be with me because it didn't work out with her.
Speaker 1:And then I think this is when he was showing me that he wanted to be this husband, but it was really because he had this failed attempt with someone else. So he felt like he had to come back and think it was like a little bit of his, conscience. It was on his conscience. So he felt like he had to come back and be this great guy to me and this husband, which he never admitted. I actually came to find that out by myself, which is really weird real quick.
Speaker 1:So you know, like, have you ever been, like, removed from an area? So say, like, you used to live somewhere and you visited, like, ten years later. I was driving around in an area that I used to be in when I used to talk to him on the phone while he was with the girl, but I didn't know he was with the girl. I hope you all keeping up. So I was going back and I was, like, replaying conversations, and I'm like, wait, this doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:I didn't think that at the time. But for some reason, ten years later, me driving down these streets, I'm like, we're playing these things. And we weren't together, like we were far removed. I ended up calling him and I'm like, hey, remember when we were together and you told me that you moved for a job? It wasn't for a job, was it?
Speaker 1:It was like be with someone, he's like, what are you talking about? Like you're crazy, like did you go on her Facebook, did you see something? Like no, I literally just like, I don't know where it came from. It was like a gut feeling. I was driving, whatever.
Speaker 1:So I ended up in that conversation telling me like, yeah, you're right. Like, I'm so sorry. And that's what I mean by people gaslighting you and what it could do for your mental health because I remember in that moment feeling like something wasn't right, and I remember like questioning him about things, and I remember like feeling crazy, right, because you have somebody telling you like, no, like why would I do that? Like I'm like really into you. Anyway, so yes, so we'll call him Mr.
Speaker 1:Potential. So Mr. Potential did things like, I was younger than him, I think I'm like five, six years younger than him, so he did things like added me to his credit cards, like helped me build my credit, He taught me about budgeting. He taught me about, like, financial literacy. So this is where I was coming off of when I'm, like, going into dating.
Speaker 1:Right? So I'm thinking that this is normal stuff. Like, when I'm with someone, they're supposed to elevate me. They're supposed to teach me things. They're supposed to put me in, like, better financial situations.
Speaker 1:And I think when I started dating, I just realized that I was looking for, like I said, that security and that protection. But there's so much more that you need to have a successful relationship. And I think I would go right into that, but I never took a step back and thought, do I even really like this person, right? Like I know that sounds so simple, But sometimes when you're dating someone, you're like, oh, they look good, they can dress, He had Jordans. Like all this like superficial surface things.
Speaker 1:But like, have you ever like spent time with someone? Even like on a friendship level and like once, like you ever spent a day with someone and you're like, I don't like you. Like, I don't like I just don't like you. Like, you're arrogant. Your attitude sucks.
Speaker 1:You get mad over the dumbest stuff. You're boring. You're annoying. I hate that little tick that you do. Like, I hate that you sing the wrong words to a song on purpose.
Speaker 1:Like, you know, there's just little things about someone that, like, the more you're around them, you're like, ugh. And I feel like I was, like, getting to the point where I would realize these things, like, too like, I almost look crazy because it's like, yeah, we're, like, a month in. I'm saying I love you, all these things. And now I'm three months in and you give me the Like, you're giving me the And I think that's what I was starting to, like, realize. But then I feel bad.
Speaker 1:Right? Because I already said I love you. We're already so deep. But why did I tell you I loved you like three weeks into knowing you, because I really don't know you. I felt myself like, I think they call it like a serial dater or like a serial monogamy, whatever, something like that.
Speaker 1:But I feel like I would okay, y'all. So I'm also a track star. Like, I'm also the type of girl that once I get over like, okay, I know I said I loved you. I know we're supposed to really like each other, but once you kind of give me that leeway or I feel like you're starting to not like me, or if I get a glimpse of I annoy you or you don't like me, I'm out of there. Like, even before you can say anything, I'm like, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:So this is over anyway. So I felt like in my twenties, did a lot of that. Like, okay. Yeah. I love you.
Speaker 1:And a month later, I don't really like you. And now we're like three, four months in, and now I can't stand you. And now you just gave me a reason to leave, and I'm out of there. And when I say like I have like such an on and off switch, like, I can be like obsessed with you one day, and then like the next, I'm just like, oh, sorry. I know I said like I wanted to be with you forever, but I actually was just kidding.
Speaker 1:So I feel like that's what I did a lot of in my twenties. And let's see. Feel like that kind of made me challenge myself, because now I'm a mother. Right? So you can't have like all these people around your kid.
Speaker 1:Like that's the whole thing. You have to separate dating from being a mom. And it was getting to be a lot, I feel like. And how I found myself in my marriage, right? I was new to Connecticut, I didn't know anyone.
Speaker 1:And the like you guys see Jamie all the time. Like we said, she's like a mom one day, a sister one day, and best friend. She was like, oh, this guy has been in my DMs about you for like seven or eight months. And I'm like, what? Like, I was flattered.
Speaker 1:Like, that's a long time. Like, okay. Okay. Let's see. And I had seen him pop up on my timeline, and I was like we weren't like, I think he would send me, like, send this message to 20 black women.
Speaker 1:And he would, like, send me one of those, and, like, I would like it. It's like, you're beautiful or something like that. It was very surface, like, whatever. And I remember we went on our first date. It was to, like, this pizza spot.
Speaker 1:It was during COVID and had to be outside. And we went to this pizza place, and we were sitting there. I was like, okay. He's cool. You know?
Speaker 1:And he was given like, oh, I knew you were my wife, like, the first day I met you. Like, when we were at pizza, you choked on your pizza. And I just knew. And we, like, sat in this little alley. And like, okay.
Speaker 1:That was a bad not an alley. Okay. So let me rephrase that. It was a really beautiful alley. Like, it was like an alley that was done over.
Speaker 1:So I had, like, lights and ivy and, like, little benches where you can, like yeah. So let me correct that. And we were we had ice cream. We were sitting there. We were talking.
Speaker 1:And what drew me to him is the way that he was talking about his grandmother. And he was, like, saying all these sweet things and how his grandmother is like, why he is the person that he is, and all these things. And I was like, okay, cool. Like, he loves his grandma. That's a plus.
Speaker 1:Like, maybe he's gonna be respectful to women. Right? Because they always say, like, pay attention to how a guy treats his mom and how he treats the women around because that's how he's gonna treat you. So I was like, okay, cool. And I remember specifically the moment that everything was like, I remember he came over to my house.
Speaker 1:My daughter wasn't there. And we were, like, gonna go get food. And I didn't know what I wanted. You know? I'm just a girl.
Speaker 1:I don't know what I wanna eat. And he was like, so what are we going to eat? And I was like, I don't know. What do you want to eat? You know, I'm all bubbly.
Speaker 1:It's only been two weeks in. And I remember, though, his tone with me and the way he responded to me. I remember being like, woah. Like, you haven't been talking to me like that. Like, this is new.
Speaker 1:And y'all knew y'all know, like, the first two weeks, y'all bootcaking on the phone. Like, y'all talking, like, all day every day. So like this tone was so different. I was just like, red flag, red flag. Because from that moment, it's like I was starting to see little bits and pieces of him.
Speaker 1:Right? That was like being exposed. But you know how you tell yourself like, no, you're in your thirties now. Now remember y'all when I met him, I was 20 I was 28. And the goal, right, is to be married by thirties.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, he's a great guy, and he's nice, and he know he knew Jamie since like 1990. I was born in 1992. So the fact that they knew each other since 1990 something, I was like, oh, he I could trust him. They've known each other forever. Right?
Speaker 1:So he had a lot of green lights for him. So the red lights weren't that loud. So I'm like, maybe that's just me being me, trying to find something. Listen, even if it's just one red flag, run. Like, if I could give you any advice.
Speaker 1:If it's a red flag, get out of there. So I, like, ignored it. And when I tell you, looking back, he became such a mean person, y'all. It was like once I let that slide, it was just like, oh, now I could just be myself. And I remember, like, looking at him sometimes and being like, is this the person that, like, says they love me and care for me and what like, he act like I was the best thing since sliced bread too though, y'all.
Speaker 1:Like, act like I was just the most beautiful girl in the world. All these things wanted to, like, take care of me. Like I told y'all, so when I first moved to Connecticut, I was living with Jamie, then I found my own place. You know those reels that say, I only had enough for a deposit, and then it shows the empty apartment and you're laying on the floor. Y'all had two air beds.
Speaker 1:Like, I I think I said the other episode, I had two air beds. My 55 inch TV was sitting on some bar stools. I was happy, though. It was mine. Everything in that apartment was mine.
Speaker 1:I worked hard for it. It was mine. I think I was driving a 1996 Honda Civic, I didn't care, it was mine. Everything was mine. So he came in and he was just like, oh, I gotta get you out of here, like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Like, he came to my house. I'm like, what's wrong with it? Like, look good to me. Like, he's like, I gotta get you out of this area. I gotta get you in a better car.
Speaker 1:Like, he's like Captain Save a Ho, I feel like. So right away, I was just like, okay. You know? Like, he trying to, you know, upgrade me or whatever. No.
Speaker 1:It was control. It was control. And I think a lot of times we see that as like, oh my gosh. Like, he wants to elevate me. He wants to help me.
Speaker 1:But he didn't see the value in things that I saw value in. He didn't see my work ethic. He didn't see he didn't understand my story. He didn't see how to you, it might be less than what you have. But to me, this is all I have and I worked for this stuff.
Speaker 1:And people who love me have poured into me and helped me get to this point. So right away, I think that that dynamic, I started to feel small. I started to feel like I needed him. Like, that was a big thing. Oh, let me buy you a mattress because you're sleeping on the air bed.
Speaker 1:Oh, let me get you a new car because and that's what it became. Very transactional. And sometimes I think when we're stuck in these places, people can kind of come in and change your mind about like your situation. I wasn't looking at my situation like I was in this bad place. I wasn't looking like, oh, I need a bed.
Speaker 1:I was sleeping on my air bed and I was fine. I didn't have a problem with it. So I think that's how our relationship kind of propelled so fast because then you also feel this guilt, right, of like, okay, I really don't like this person, but now I gotta look and see all that they did for me, right? So if I leave now, it's gonna look like I used him. It's gonna look like I really didn't want him.
Speaker 1:I wanted these things even though I didn't ask for these things, but he's given me these things and you took these things, so you must have wanted them. Right? So I feel like all that is like this continuous cycle that is done on purpose, in my opinion, to keep someone where you really don't wanna be. I think that he knew that because I was telling someone the other day, the day we got married, I remember him telling me when we left, he was like, I didn't think he was gonna show up. And I was like, what?
Speaker 1:He was like, yeah, I was so nervous. Like I was walking around, Like, is she really gonna come? And like, who would feel that way? Like, you know, like getting married. I don't know.
Speaker 1:And even like how he proposed to me, like, we were the night before, he's like, we should get married. I was like, yeah, for sure. Like, the next day we went to go look at rings. I think we, like, got the cheapest ring in the store. And then that night he came home and invited his friends and family over that I didn't even like or had like a relationship with.
Speaker 1:He didn't even make sure that one person that I loved was there, Jamie. He had her on FaceTime and proposed to me in my living room. And it was just so like, ugh, like, I don't know. It's just like from the from the beginning, it just was not right. It's like trying to force a puzzle piece and a puzzle that just doesn't belong.
Speaker 1:And I feel like we both felt it. But then you I feel like there was a lot of trauma bonding and a lot of what's the other word? Where you just continuously it was like a comfort zone for us. Like, we're just in this I'm a think of the word later. I'll use it in my real talk.
Speaker 1:But it's just like this thing of right, like, okay, I'm here, you're here, and we're just gonna be together. We're not gonna be happy. I probably don't even like you. I know you don't like me, but we're just gonna be together in this relationship and you're gonna be stuck with me and you're gonna act like you're happy and I'm gonna act like I'm happy. So after we got married, I was like, okay.
Speaker 1:I remember praying this prayer to God and I was like, if I'm meant to be in this marriage, I will have a baby. I will be able to get pregnant. So I remember trying, like every month, like, waiting for that sign, waiting for that thing. The thing never came. Never got pregnant.
Speaker 1:So I was like, okay. I remember just having like little games with myself, if I'm supposed to be here, then this is gonna happen. If I'm supposed to be here, then this and the things will never happen. And every situation, it just kept showing me, it just kept showing me. So I say all this to say that everything that I said about relationships leading up to this marriage kind of shows exactly where my mindset was and why I got married, right?
Speaker 1:Like I'm 30, I can't keep dating these people because I know that I'm the issue. I get the ache and I run from people. Okay, so I'm gonna hold myself accountable, I'm not gonna be selfish, I'm gonna provide my daughter with stability, right, I'm gonna give her this life that I didn't have, I want her to have a stepdad that's like in the house, even though she has her own father, I wanted her to grow up with like this dynamic. So I held on to a lot of guilt for all these years, right? At the beginning, I said it took me so long to make this decision, but I feel like I was just faced with all those things.
Speaker 1:And sometimes, like I always say, I don't like to play victim, so I really try to find find me in a way of what could I do to be better. Like I try not to just, well this person is doing this and this person, no, what am I doing? How am I contributing to this relationship? Because it takes two people. And I feel like even when I strategically and specifically sat myself down and wrote out things that I could work on, and even with me working on those things, even with me showing up every day and being intentional and making sure I'm being this woman, it still didn't work.
Speaker 1:And sometimes I feel like you have to listen to your gut. Like you you know, you know. Right? Like they say, like, when you know, when you get married, you have that feeling. You also know when you don't want to be with someone.
Speaker 1:And I feel like I was just trying to ignore it because you get comfortable too. Right? Like, we have this thing called bills and life and money, and it's not cheap. It's better to have two people in a household, right? Like, fiftyfifty, you do this, I do that.
Speaker 1:But at what cost? Everything comes with a cost and I had to tell myself that like, yes, these things are being met, but what are you sacrificing for that? What does your mental health look like? What's the damage that you're causing for a price of what? Let's say someone's bringing in $3,000 a month.
Speaker 1:Is it worth that? Or could you hustle harder? So I think I just came to that conclusion of, you know, sometimes it's just a no, and you gotta just go with the no. We've probably had about four signed divorce papers that have been ready to been processed. You know, it's like, okay.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna call the lawyers, and I'm gonna have them do it. And then you know how time goes by and then like someone starts to be nice and we're like, well, let's just ride this wave out. And then the next big blow up happens and like, see, this is why we were gonna get this divorce, right? Then you go back to it and then the papers get signed again and then the whole process happens and then they become nice again. Right?
Speaker 1:And it's like this cycle, this continuous cycle. And I am hopping off the ride. I don't want to do it anymore. It is very frustrating. It drains you.
Speaker 1:It's like one of those things that you feel like even if you're not talking about it, even if you're not fighting, it's still a weight. It's a weight because you're somewhere where you know you're not supposed to be and you're confining yourself. Like, feel like this is the world and this is me in this situation because I'm still confined. So I'm just excited to move on. I know that a lot of my friends, they ask me, like, so do you still believe in marriage?
Speaker 1:Like, do you still wanna be in love? And I tell people, wanna be by myself. I have not been by myself since I've started dating. I've always felt like I needed someone. I always felt like I needed that security, that protection.
Speaker 1:And I really want to take this season to be everything I need. I wanna be that for myself. I feel like people really before you get into serious relationships, before you get married, you really need to make sure that you are really healed. I know that you're never fully healed, right? But make sure that you are really aware of where you are mentally and emotionally.
Speaker 1:Really think about the things in your life and how they shape you to be who you are today because I really feel like the people who I'm attracted to today, was not attracted to five years ago because of the things that I had to overcome for myself, because of the things I had to believe for myself. And I feel like when you are coming from a place of brokenness, you will attract broken, brokenness. And I feel like now that I can have this level of emotional intelligence because I'm working on my mental health, because I'm doing things like this, I really feel like I have leveled myself up in so many ways that the type of people I will attract now will be more like minded, will be doing things that I'm doing, will have this creative side to them, will have this ambition about them. So if I can give advice to younger women, to anyone, just anyone honestly who can hear my voice, really make sure that you're not out there looking for someone to complete you, right? Like I know like we love companionship and it feels good to be with someone, but make sure that everything that you're looking for from, everything that you're looking for, make sure that you can give it to yourself before you look for it outward, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:I would tell people if you wanna be married, make sure you want the marriage and not just the wedding. I think that people love, you know, the day we get to look beautiful, we get our makeup done, our hair done, it's a big party, we have this white dress, it's wonderful. But the marriage after the wedding, if you do it with the wrong person, it'll make you or break you. And I really think that people don't understand that marriage is an everyday commitment. It is work.
Speaker 1:If it's done with the right person, it's still gonna be work, it just looks different, but it's work. You have to show up daily, just for yourself, but for someone else too. You have to take how somebody feels at all times, you have to look at things from their perspective, you have to, it's a job, okay. So I think that a lot of people we have this set, oh I wanna be married in this, but make sure that you're actually prepared for what a marriage really is. Another thing I would say that when you are looking for a husband or men, when you're looking for a wife, really pay attention to that example that that person has around them.
Speaker 1:What kind of marriages are they looking at? See who they look up to, like, oh, do you have a family member that you look up to, you know, are they married, like really try to see what they feel like a husband is and what a wife is, really think about their expectations, make sure that you're aligned with your values, your morals. I think a lot of that happened in my marriage too. We were having conversations and I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of his mouth. I'm like, you really think like that?
Speaker 1:Like you would really do that in that situation? You really talk about women like that? Like there were just so many things that I was just like, I wouldn't even be your friend and here I am, but I'm your wife. Like that's crazy. So just really make sure that like you know what you're getting yourself into.
Speaker 1:I feel like in my generation, we kind of don't understand the importance and the value and the weight that a marriage is. I think that we just see it as, I think in our culture, right, you go in shade room and this celebrity has been married three times and they're just getting married to the hottest celebrity at the like no, that's not marriage, like marriage really is supposed to be something that you, it's a lifelong commitment to somebody for better or for worse. Like really hone in on that when you're choosing on who you want to be married to. So that's my take on relationships and marriages. I do pray one day that I will have my happily ever after and I will find my husband, but I'm not focused on that right now.
Speaker 1:I need to focus on the real joy. We gotta make this podcast the number more podcast in the world. We have to, you know, I have to be a content creator. I have to do all these things. So like all these things are more important right now in this season for me.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I'm so glad that you guys tuned into this episode, and I'll see you next time. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Real Joy podcast. I hope today's conversation brought you closer to finding your own joy and left you feeling inspired. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. If you like what you heard, share it with your circle.
Speaker 1:It might be just the thing they need. Let's keep growing, glowing, and finding joy together. Until next time. Take care of yourself, and remember to keep it relaxed, relatable, and real. See you soon.
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