Thee Real Joy Podcast

Hey, guys, it's finally here.

We have Thee Real Joy Podcast Journal.

I'm so excited to share this with you all.

If you stay tuned to the end of this
episode, we're going to have details

on how you can get your own copy,
so stay tuned.

Welcome back to part two.

So I'm going to be talking about my family
and my dynamics.

But I suggest you go back to part one
if you haven't watched it.

Because I'm just going to jump back in
from where I left off.

So make sure you check out part one,

because it'll make a lot more sense
if you're just now tuning into part two.

So take this moment, pause,

go back to part one,
and then come back and see me here.

But, for all y’all who watch part one,
let's get right into it.

So, like I was saying with my family
during my grieving process,

you're talking about someone
who grew up around my family, right?

Like I said, my mom cooked Sunday dinners
all the time.

Like I was raised in this dynamic

of just like family matters
and this support system.

And I saw my mom do for others.

But now that I think about it,
I saw my mom do for others.

My mom was always the person
who was doing for everyone around her,

and in my head I thought that was family,
but it was my mom upholding this.

This dynamic.

It wasn't everyone else pouring into it.

I really feel like my mom
saw the importance of family

and the value of it,
and tried to give that to me,

but I feel like she was the one
that was doing all the work.

It wasn't an equal balance.

I really do feel like she was the one
that was always showing

up, taking care of everyone,
making sure everyone was good on her part.

So now that I am in this moment

in life and I see what family really is,
I also felt

as if it continued to
fuel that anger for me.

Like, it was just like, let's go back.

Lost my mom, her husband sucks
and now my family sucks.

When I say that, I remember
trying to find those people in my family.

Like, for instance, back to the example,
if you haven't seen

the first episode of the podcast,
go back and watch that.

But that night, after everything had
happened, I ended up going to the court.

I press charges,
and I was, rewarded like 200.

I like 200, $300 to fix my window and
the damages that were done to my house.

So at the time, I didn't have a vehicle.

So I was asking my aunt, oh, I remember
calling her and I was like, okay,

this is me trying.

I'm going to try
to, like, depend on someone.

They say, I don't reach out enough.

I don't ask them when I need help.

Okay, cool. So I'm going to call my aunt.
I'm going to ask her.

She can take me to the courthouse.

I can pick up this check
so I can fix my window.

So I remember calling her
and she was, like,

sounding so understanding, like,
of course I could take you.

Now, remember, hang up the phone like,
okay, maybe,

maybe this is going to make my phone
rings.

And I answer
and before I can even say hello,

my aunt is like, girl, tell me,
why Eboni called me

and asked me to take her to the courthouse
to pick up this check?

This guy always got something going
on, blah blah blah.

And I'm just like, letting her talk.

I'm like, yeah, you called me by accident.

You probably meant to call someone else,
but you’re talking

She was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Forget it.

And actually,
I don't need you to take me to the court.

And I think like that for me
was my last final straw

because it was just like I trusted you.

I tried, and look what you did with it.

And this was like, I feel like I repeat it
thing with my family.

Like my pain and my hurt and my anger
was turning into, like, tea and gossip.

And I think, you know, it's easy to gossip
or have tea about people,

but you don't really understand
the other side to that.

Like, yes, it's a funny
ha ha moment for you,

but this is somebody's life
you're talking about.

This is something
that's actually happening to someone.

This is somebody's reality.

And I think that's what made me lose trust
and hope in my family, because

they were it was entertainment
for them, things

that were happening to me
and affecting me.

And my child
started to become entertainment.

And it started to become like,
oh, you call her and see if she'll tell you

and then bring it back
like I'm talking to someone from Boston.

The information goes to Arizona,
it goes back down to North

Carolina like, but no one was willing
to step up and help.

It was just a call to
to gonna act like I'm here to support you.

But I really wanted to be
the one who has the tea.

So what I call this person,
I could tell them what was going on.

And I think the more I felt that,

the more I just started to distance myself
away from my family

and really, like, disappear and like,

okay, I'm not the butt of your jokes.

You guys aren't going to support me.

You aren't here to help me.

And I really feel like my family
now that I think about it,

they're the type of people that have been
raised on survival and not love.

And I kind of see why
my mom was so different

and why I was kind of raised

separately from them until I got older,
until I got high school.

And she wanted me
to feel that family dynamic.

But I see why in those crucial years,
between the ages of,

I would say like 5 to 13,
it was just me and my mom,

like we were in a whole
nother area than my family,

because if I was raised around my family,
I don't think that I would be the person

who my mom raised me today
because the rest of my family

was not raised off of love,
strictly survival.

So they're going to do whatever they can
to make sure that they're going to benefit

from being around you,
whether that's making

you pay for something,
whether that's getting $20 out of you

like it's a strategic game
where they are going to walk away from you

with some type of gain,
with some type of something from you.

So I think the more I realize that

that made me
have to find my own support system.

And I know I talked about Jamie
being a huge part of my support system,

and she definitely is to this day
from that moment to that day.

But I do have to say that
there was someone who played a huge part

in getting me to Connecticut
before I could get there,

and that is my Aunt Chris.

And I say our Chris,
that she's not family.

She actually is someone that has known me
since I was a baby.

So her, my mom worked at the church
together when I was younger, how

I talked to, how I was raised
in the church and born in the church.

That dynamic went back to my church days
and me and her daughter actually

call each other God sisters,
because we weren't related,

but we kind of just grew up

and we've been in each other's lives
for our whole lives at this point. So

I smile when I talk about my Aunt Chris

because something with her,
she was just so nurturing

and caring towards me, like from always
from the moment I met her.

I feel like even as a child
I don't know, like for me, I feel like

when I have like this open relationship
with people, it usually stems

from like the first day of meeting them,
because I feel people and people feel me.

So it's like with my Aunt Chris,

she just had this type of kind of
when I was explaining other episodes,

like nobody cared that
my mom had passed away.

No one got it.

No, she absolutely understood it.

And before my mom even passed,
she was such a support system in that way.

Because remember how I was saying

me and my mom, our relationship was rocky
because of our husband.

So at one point
I had moved back to where my mom was.

Remember I said I moved to the mountains?

I had to move back before I got
my apartment squared away and everything.

My mom and I had decided that
I was going to be able to live with her

until I found my apartment
that I furnished.

So I moved from the five

I was away where I was with my ex,
moved down to be with my mom.

When I got to my mom's house.

I don't think she had cleared it
with her husband or me being there.

He did not want me to live with them.

He did not want me to be there.

My mom let me stay anyway.

I woke up to take a shower to get ready
for work that day and the shower

in the hallway, bathroom wasn't working,
but they had a shower in their room.

So my mom was like, oh,

just take a shower in my room,
and just come out and get dressed.

So he told my mom, no,
I don't want her taking a shower in here.

And she's like, well,
she has to get ready for work.

Like she has to go to work.

I'm like, mom, mom, remember,
my mom is sick.

So I'm not going to allow you
to go back and forth with this man.

And at this point, I can be honest,
I had no respect for him

because he was making it so hard for me
and my mom to just coexist.

So I remember, like, kind of being like,
mom, don't say anything to this man.

Like, this is ridiculous.

I'm going to take a shower
and I'm going to go to work.

He doesn't have to worry about me
for the rest of the day.

So I went in the bathroom, took a shower.

Do y'all know?

By the time I got out of the shower,
he had called the police on me

and the police was standing in her kitchen

and I'm in a towel
trying to get ready to go to work.

I had to drive an hour and 20 minutes
to go to work, and the police is

standing there and I'm like,

you going to arrest me for taking a shower?

Like, what are we talking about?

And she was like,
I heard that you were disturbing.

And it's like, what am I disturbing?

I said,

I actually don't have time to talk to you
because I'm going to be late for work.

I went in the room,
got dressed as an officer.

Do you need anything from me?
Are you arresting me for anything now?

So I'm actually going to leave
and go to work.

And imagine having to go to work

and explain to your boss
why you're a little bit late.

Because your mom's husband
called the police on you

for taking a shower in your mom's house.

Yeah.

So, when I say things like that,
I wasn't able to stay at my mom's house

because of the fact

that it became to a point
where I had to respect where my mom was.

And no, I didn't agree with it

She was sick and me and her husband
constantly butting heads and going at it

wasn't conducive to her getting better,
into making her comfortable.

So I took an approach as a daughter,
and I was just like, this is your husband.

This is. I had to take a step back.

I had to literally.

That's
why this episode is called Gone Girl.

When I say I disappeared,

I was like, because at the same time,
I have to protect my peace

and I have to protect myself
and this as well.

And you can't choose me over your husband,
so I have to choose myself.

So I say all that to say, this is when me
and Aunt Chris’ relationship really...

It was just so amazing

to see someone really understand
where you are,

not judge you for being there and really,

she was just so nurturing.

Like there were times where.

So I say,

I have to say, she ended up letting me
stay with her into my apartment was ready.

So I would say maybe like a week,
a week and a half.

I stayed with her and she was just like
every morning before I left to go to work.

And then when she would leave me,
like these little cute notes in my,

lunch bag, she be like, pack lunch for me
and leave these little notes.

And I was like, you are.

I don't make it so like, it's
just like you are going

to get through this
or like some type of inspirational note.

She would just always write on a piece
of paper and just think about, like,

things like that. Like
that was just her being her.

Like she was just this person
for everyone.

I had nothing to do with me.

Like, this was just who she showed
up in the world as.

And I think that that just goes back
to just being you.

And just like, you never know how being
you is going to affect others around you.

And I just, I don't know if she ever.

I know, like I always tell her, thank you.

And when I visit North Carolina,
I used to, like,

surprise
her flowers and like, all these things.

But she was such,
she helped me not crash out.

I would say, like, because everything
around me was like, crash out, Eboni

Crash out, Eboni like, just crash out.

Like, you have every reason right now
to crash out.

But her just having that nurturing side,
what I needed like

I don't know if you guys remember
I said in that episode

where I ran out the house
and fought my ex?

I was like, probably
if somebody would have just came to me

and gave me some type of love
or some type of like,

I understand what you're going through
right now.

I probably want to crash out on my ex,
but I think that that's

just such a reaction to like,
I'm angry and frustrated.

I'm being misunderstood.

So now I'm going to act out
and this is what that looks like.

So before

I even left Connecticut,
my time in North Carolina,

I feel like my Aunt Chris, like, helped me
make the best of it.

She, like, did my hair before
I left to go to Connecticut.

Like, I just remember
I was like, I would be in my house.

And she would.

So this is even before.

So I, I'm kind of skipping around.

So yes, I did stay with her
before my apartment got ready.

But remember, I moved into the apartment.

The apartment was ruined because my ex
came and did all the things or whatever,

and I ended up going back to stay with her
because I didn't feel comfortable in

being there
until my window got got repaired.

Then I went back home.

But in the process,
before I left to move to Connecticut,

I would go to her house a lot,
or she would just come pop in on me

and check on me because I would just
kind of sit at home and be alone and like.

And the dark,
like I said, I was drinking a lot.

I was always intoxicated

somehow, I was losing weight,
like everyone around could see.

Like, if you knew me, you could
kind of see, I lost weight really quickly.

And she just never judge me for that.

It's almost like she was just like,
we'll come over and be like,

hey, come take this ride with me.

Like she would make up something
for me to do.

Hey, I need you to help me with this.

Hey, come ride with me here. And

like I said, it's just those

little things that you're doing that
you don't know how it affects someone.

So I hope she sees this.

And I just want to say thank you so much
for being who you are.

Just being that person
I know that you didn't even understand

in that moment
what you were doing for me, but,

I am here today, probably because of you.

If I didn't have you there, I don't know

if I would have even been able to be here
or continue.

And being myself, I just find that,
you know, light in a dark place.

And you were definitely
that light in the dark place.

I just wanted to say thank you.

But and speaking of healing

and all these things, kind of like
the person that she was to me,

I found this journal
and the everything that I'm saying

about my Aunt Chris is exactly who
what my mom was to other people.

And I always knew that.

But it's so crazy because my daughter
was cleaning her room the other day

and she's like, mom, I found this journal
and people are talking about Nana

in the journal. And I'm like, what?

And I think that this is crazy
how you're talking about all those moves.

If you go back to the episode
where I talk about all those moves,

this journal existed
before my mom passed away.

So you're talking
about this journal back from

when I was in college.

I don't even know how my you're
talking about me moved from

North Carolina to Rhode Island to DC to Indiana, and I still have this journal.

So when I found it,
first of all, I had goose bumps.

I'm just like, And it's so weird
because Jamie asked me out of the day.

Do you have moments where, like,
you feel like your mom is giving you

a message, or your mom is like,
coming to you to talk to you?

And I was like, no, not really.

And then when Kalani brought me this journal, it was like two days after

Jamie has said that.

And I was just like,

OKAY

And I was in the process
of making my own journal at the time, too.

So like the power of journaling
and just like the fact

that I still have this,
the fact that words last a lifetime,

the fact that I'm able to go back
and just like have

a physical representation of what
my mom has been to other people.

I want to read a couple
of things to y'all.

Just a couple of statements
that people were saying about my mom.

Just so I think when y'all hear
this, y'all

will understand why I'm here,
why my passion is what it is.

Because this is who my mom was,
and this is

what I

growing up.

I just you know how some people say
you can talk about being this person,

but now I like, watch

my mom be the person that she talked
about being she didn’t just walk the walk.

She and she didn't just talk the talk.

She walked the walk.

And I just want to read
a couple of these to y'all.

So, someone said you are truly
a role model

for older women and special
and beautiful young ladies.

Tonight when I get home,
I'm going to tell my mom your story

so that she can go back to school
and she will achieve whatever

she wants to accomplish,
just like you did.

You make me proud, mama.

Keep doing your thing
and inspiring young youth.

I love you so much.

And then

someone said to a wonderful,
beautiful sister,

May God continue to look over you
as you take a new journey in life.

Here's a dime for every time

that someone needed you to help out
and you was there

once again, I sent you blessings
in a new part of your life.

Nice knowing you for the years that I did.

But these are just like so many, like,

I'm going to miss all the love and support
you've provided me

with whenever I needed,
or if you just wanted to share it with me.

That's what I'm always going to miss you.

Because you seem like a spirit
who was sent from heaven

to keep others around you
happy and smiling.

So when I talk about my mom
and just like who she was to me,

I think that is so much more powerful
when I read who she was to others, too.

Because

that is what fuels me
when you talk about legacy,

when you talk about
how you want to be remembered

and things like that, like, I can say it,
everyone can say it, but this is,

this is a pure example of
the legacy that she left.

And I feel like you can give people money.

You can give people things
for how you make people feel.

They're never going to forget that.

And they're never going to forget
who you were to them.

And times when you don't even know
what people are going through.

Sometimes people don't share it with you,
but you just showing up

and being yourself and just no matter
what, not for any gain, for personal gain,

just continuing to be intentional
in the world that it matters.

It does matter who we are.

So I just am excited to find this because

journals matter, you

know, and the healing process like this
helps me in my healing process.

Finding something that's so tangible
that I'm able to always have,

like, I'm never going to lose this.

The fact that I even have this
speaks volumes, that I even have this.

I think this journal is ten years old.

So as old as my daughter.

So I definitely am happy

that you, have join me on this
another episode.

I know this one was tough.

But like I said, I am creating a space

of vulnerability, of realness, and
I have to show up like that for you guys.

So just thank you so much for being here,
and I'll see you on the next episode.