Who is TheeRealJoy? part 1 - The Night Everything Changed
Welcome to the Real Joy podcast. I'm your host, the Real Joy. Thank you so much for being here. Like, you could be anywhere else but here, but thank you so much for choosing me right now. I love that.
TheeRealJoy:So if you're new to the Real Joy like, who is this girl? You're probably looking at your screen like, who is this? Where did she come from? Don't worry. I'm a tell you.
TheeRealJoy:I am the Real Joy. My name is Ebony Joy, but my constant name is the Real Joy. So you'll probably hear me say that a lot. But if you hear someone say Ebony or the comments, I'm Ebony Ebony Joy. So I got the name The Real Joy from my name, Ebony Joy, because my middle name is Joy.
TheeRealJoy:And at the time when I created The Real Joy, it was more so of me trying to, like, find the joy in my life, to be completely honest. It was at a dark time. It was very a lot of transitions happened. Like, let's really talk. Right?
TheeRealJoy:I lost my mom at the end of 2018. So from 2019 to, like, I would say 2021 was, like, such a weird time for me. Like, it was learning everything relearning everything I knew about life, like, at the age of 25. So I think the real joy came from taking the feeling of what I had and forcing myself into a space of, like, okay. We have to move.
TheeRealJoy:We have to evolve. Let's find the joy in life. So that's really where that name came from, and it's just stuck with me. Like, I know a lot of people, they change their Instagram handles and Instagram names. But once I made that name, that has been my content name from from then, and it's really I became the real joy, if that makes sense.
TheeRealJoy:Like, it was something that I didn't even understand the weight it will hold in my life until now where I'm sitting here with y'all, and this is where it brought me. So I am originally I was born in North Carolina, but it's funny because a lot of people from North Carolina, they don't think I'm from North Carolina because I left when I was 8, and then I moved back after college. So most of my life, I'm from North Carolina. But if I go down south, they say I don't sound like I'm from down south. They say they I can't claim it.
TheeRealJoy:They say that I'm not from there. So I moved from North Carolina to South Jersey. So I did 3rd grade to 8th grade in South Jersey. Catholic school, that's a whole another, topic for a whole different day, like, growing up at Catholic school. Fun fact, I did Irish step dancing because I went to Catholic school.
TheeRealJoy:I might show y'all some moves. You know? Not right now, but maybe later, I might show y'all, you know, get busy, but not right now. So let's see. I did 3rd grade to 8th grade in South Jersey, and then high school and college, Boston, Massachusetts.
TheeRealJoy:So you're talking about growing up and born in North Carolina, then you talk about being raised in New Jersey, and then adolescence in Boston. Like, I feel like I'm such a hybrid of a person. Like, am I from the South? Am I from the North? Like so while you're here with me, you'll probably hear, like, some things I say might have a southern twang to it, but then other things, like, I can't say water.
TheeRealJoy:Like, that's so Jersey. Like, water. Like so yes. So bear with me. I know.
TheeRealJoy:I'm just like I tell people being from different places gives me a mixture of personalities, but I don't have multiple personalities. Like, so yes. So that's a little bit about me. Let's see. So like I said, I went to college in Boston, Massachusetts.
TheeRealJoy:The school was called Wheelock College. It was like liberal arts for, like, teachers. I went to school for counseling psychology and juvenile justice. And I do makeup and hair, and I'm on a podcast. Am I using my degree?
TheeRealJoy:Maybe. Maybe the counseling and the psychology part because my clients, we'd be locked in. We'd be having, like, you know, the most craziest conversations. So I will say that I do use my degree in that way. But growing up down south was very different.
TheeRealJoy:And a lot of topics that I'll go into will kinda talk about it because I do have a topic of church. And I was basically literally born in the church. Like, my mom had about 3 to 4 miscarriages, I think, before she had me. So while she was in the hospital, she was on the phone with people in the prayer room, and they were helping her push me out. So when I say I was born in the church, I was born in the church.
TheeRealJoy:And I think with that, like I said, I'll definitely get into that topic more, but I think that shaped me up until maybe, like, high school. With that came, a lot of, I would say, I was raised by a single mom. So being raised by a single mom, I feel like it gave me this pressure of being exactly how she wanted me to be. Like, wear this, do this, do that. So this I feel like this journey of the real joy was really me finding myself as well because I lost my mom at such a early age of 25.
TheeRealJoy:And I think that I had, like, all this guidance this whole time somebody is not like a puppet. Right? But you have someone who is influencing you daily, who is telling you you're right from wrongs, who is correcting you, and then you just lose that at 25, which to me, I think that's the age where you really start to become a woman. Like, that's where womanhood starts. And, also, I had just had my daughter.
TheeRealJoy:So I think when we talk about this journey and evolving, that's really where that happened. Like, that whole that journey of grief, I think, really started to evolve me in a different way because, like I said, I lost that person who was kinda guiding me along that journey. So this is, like, such a self discovery, empowerment, like, type of inspiration kinda feel. Like so, yeah, like, I'm excited for y'all to get to know the real joy because, like I said, there's so many pieces to me. There's so many things that I feel like you can relate to.
TheeRealJoy:Like, whether it be I'm an entrepreneur. I come from the background of corporate of the corporate world. So I was in sales for a long time. I was in management. I actually worked for, like, the top, like, sales company, which was enterprise, which I know you hear that and you're probably like enterprise.
TheeRealJoy:But when I tell you there are so cutthroat when it comes to corporate and sales, and we have sales trainings all the time. So coming from that world to kind of being a entrepreneur and a creator, that was a little different for me. So like I said, we'll talk. We'll definitely get into these stories of who the real joy is. This journey for me started at the age 25 when I lost my mom.
TheeRealJoy:Sherry Alice. Yes. That's I don't know if you can see this tattoo here, but it says Alice. A lot of people are like, what is that on your neck? But, yes, that's my mom.
TheeRealJoy:Then I wear this little angel. She turned around. Yes. So this is for my mom. I was raised by a single mother.
TheeRealJoy:She had me at 35, like I said, after so many failed pregnancies. I think she had 3 or 4 miscarriages. So she called me her miracle baby. So, she, like I said, she always had this idea of, like, raising me different from what she was used to. She was from, like, the north orange area of North Jersey.
TheeRealJoy:She grew up in the projects for a while, and she kinda made it out of that. She was a woman who kinda like I have my mom's spirit. Like, it's so funny because as I'm talking about her, I'm realizing, like, kind of talking about yourself, but she had this, like, resilient spirit about her. Like, no matter what, she just like you could tell her, like, oh, you did have $5,000 in your bank account, but I don't know what happened to it. And now you're, like, at a 100.
TheeRealJoy:And she'll be like, okay. Well, I got to go figure out how to get 4,900. Like, you just could not break her spirit no matter what. I remember, like, you know, as you get older and you look back on your childhood, I remember sometimes we would, like, be in the living room, and she was like, okay. We're gonna camp today, and we're gonna, like, make a camp out, and we're gonna light candles.
TheeRealJoy:And out of my head, I'm like, oh, the lights were off. Like, okay. That was creative. But she never had the spirit of, like, woe is me or, like, pity. Like, she always found a way.
TheeRealJoy:And, like, people would look at her situation. I'm sure they wouldn't be able to do what she did with it. But I didn't grow up feeling like I had less than or feeling like I was missing anything because of the way she spun it, and it just always came out to be better. Even when I think back to school projects where they're like, pick this person who is your hero, or everybody would pick, like, Beyonce. Or and I always say, like, no.
TheeRealJoy:My mom. Like, my mom is the strongest woman I know. But looking back, it's almost like she knew her time with me was, like, going to be limited in a way. Like, when I look back to the things she was teaching me and always instilling in me, it's like I feel like she was always just trying to make sure that I was good. Like, I understood what life was about.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I understood there was more to just money and looking good. Like, she always made sure I had my morals correct, and I knew God. So y'all y'all will hear me talk about my mom a lot, and in a good way because grief is gonna be one of the episodes that we're gonna share to that I'm gonna share with you guys. But really quick, I think what helped me in my grief was being able to celebrate her life through continuing her life. And I think that that was such a big moment for me, and I think that it kinda confused people around me because my grief didn't look like what it normally would.
TheeRealJoy:I would say I did have a rough, I would say, like, 3 months. But past that, it just always felt like her spirit was still in me. Like, I just, like, lived. Like, I'm going to make sure that her spirit lives on. So I think that that's why I'm so at a place where I'm just comfortable with everything.
TheeRealJoy:But like I said, this journey for me started at 25. So when you I know a lot of people I talk to when they're raised by a single mom, I feel like we have this pressure to be like everything that your parent wants you to be because they've spent their whole life kind of pouring into you with every the you see the sacrifices. You see the different life structure that they had to live, and maybe they couldn't do what their friends did because they always had to have you. And I remember my mom bringing me to work with her, bringing me to meetings with her. I slept at church.
TheeRealJoy:Like, everywhere my mom was, I was at. And when I look back, I'm just like, that was such a big sacrifice. And I think as you get older, you're appreciative of it, but it also puts a weight on you because it's like, I don't wanna waste her life and not be what she wants me to be. And looking back, I've really realized that I was living my life to be pleasing to my mom, and I think that kind of created a people pleaser of in me. Like, I I'm delivered now.
TheeRealJoy:I'm well, I'm still working on my deliverance. But I used to be such a people pleaser because I felt like that's gonna make people love me. That's gonna make people accept me. That's gonna make people want me around if I could just please them. And this journey has brought me away from that so much, and I'm thankful.
TheeRealJoy:It's like I feel like in life, we have to go through this, like, crazy, like, whatever that looks like for you, whether it's grief or this losing a relationship, a friendship. I feel like sometimes we have to go through that because it brings you out on the other side a whole different person, and you would have never even known the lessons you needed before that even happened. And the night my mom passed, I truly feel like it was a moment in my life I could never forget because of the things that took place that night. Like, when I tell you a Tyler Perry movie has nothing on this night, nothing. Like, I'm a go through the story, but let's just talk about the topics that can come from this night.
TheeRealJoy:Grief, losing my mom, trigger warning, domestic violence, trigger warning, police involvement. It was just so much that happened in a span of, I would say, like, 3 hours. But like I said, now looking back, that was such a monumental moment in my life because I was never the same person after that night. And I don't know if it was from the grief. I don't know if it was because of the fight.
TheeRealJoy:I don't know what it was. But that night just shaped who I was as a woman. Like, that night is the night I became a woman. And what's so crazy about that night is I remember looking in the mirror as I had blood on my shirt, and it said, happy girl sparkle. And I remember looking in the mirror like it was a movie.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I would wear this shirt today where it said happy girl sparkle. And I'm just, like, looking in the mirror, and I was not happy. And there was no sparkle, but just the irony of that. So you're probably like, what are you talking about? So let me, like, rewind.
TheeRealJoy:So the night my mom passed, I was at the hospital. So before this, my mom had introduced me to the guy that I was off and on dating at the time. They They used to work together at a college. He was a little older than me, and we were kinda going through it. And along with the grief that I was going through, it just did not have me in the mind space to be with someone.
TheeRealJoy:Like, we had ended up moving away together and not probably, like, 5 hours from where my mom lived at the time. But as my mom got sicker, I wanted to move back and be around her. So I kinda instantly ended things with us and moved back home. Looking back, I can see how that shaped things with how things ended and the no closure effect of it. But due to everything I was going that was going on at the time, there was no way to have closure when I was seeking closure with my mom.
TheeRealJoy:And that's what I was trying to explain to that person. Like, yes, I still love you. Yes, I still wanna be with you, but I need to go get closure with my mom. I need to be with my mom. And I think that person thought that I was wanting to be with someone else.
TheeRealJoy:And the irony of that night proved him right, but it wasn't right. So let me get into it. So I'm at the hospital with my mom. Everyone's there. They took off life support, and we're kinda just waiting around, you know, feeling her out, seeing how long.
TheeRealJoy:You know? It's not that long once you take someone off life support. You're kinda just sitting around waiting if you've ever been, in that type of situation. I think they call it hospice, where you're just, like, waiting, and they're making her comfortable and different things like that. So there was too many visitors in the room at the time, but I guess my ex at the time came to the hospital.
TheeRealJoy:And he says that he wanted to he his purpose in being at the hospital, he wanted to ask my mom before she passed for her permission to marry me. We never really talked about marriage before this, so it was kinda like, oh, okay. But I didn't know this at the times. A guest that was trying to get back there as well told me this after the fact. So at the time, I had no idea that my ex was at the hospital.
TheeRealJoy:I was, you know, in daughter mode. I'm the only child, single mom, so it's just me and my mom right now. Like, we're so locked in. So my mom passes away, and everything now is like a blur, honestly. Like, I remember sitting in the waiting room, and the people from the funeral funeral home had to come to me, and I had to release the body to them, I believe.
TheeRealJoy:So I'm sitting in the waiting room. Still never saw my ex because everything is such a blur, as you can imagine. So from the hospital, it's my god sister, my daughter, and I, and my god sister's friend. And we're leaving the hospital, and we're going to my house. Still never saw my ex from this point on.
TheeRealJoy:It was told to me that he followed us from the hospital to my house because he had not known the location of where I lived at this point. Now let's take a pause. I there's also another character in this story who, at the time, I called him my best friend. I can honestly say that, yes, we had crossed the line in the past, but he was my best friend. And at that time, we weren't going to be like, we had been so far removed from that, and I didn't even contact him.
TheeRealJoy:I didn't talk to him that whole day. My god sister realized that I was shutting down and I wasn't talking to anyone. And she's like, if I know anyone could get her to talk or if she just could, like, express herself, it would be this person. So she reached out to my best friend and asked him to come to my house. Once again, everything's a blur.
TheeRealJoy:I had no idea that this was happening. So we enter my house. I go directly to my bedroom. So everyone at my house is in the living room, and they're in the kitchen. I'm in my bedroom.
TheeRealJoy:Literally, I remember sitting on the edge of my bed and just staring at the wall. I don't know how long I was in there. I don't know. I I'll that's all I remember. So I'm sitting there staring at the wall.
TheeRealJoy:I don't know who's in my house. I don't know who's being invited. I don't know who's calling me. I don't even know where my phone is at the time. I'm sitting on my bed, and my ex walks through my door.
TheeRealJoy:And he looks at me, and he says I will never forget these words. He said, I came to give you my condolences, but I see you don't need them. I'm like, what does that even mean? Like like going like, even thinking back to that, like, that's such a I don't care what's going on in that living room. Like, to come into the room and say that to someone just immediately.
TheeRealJoy:So that just pissed me off because I'm like, okay. Yes. I didn't call you when it happened. I haven't called anyone. I don't even know where my phone is.
TheeRealJoy:So in my head, I'm thinking, oh, he's mad because I didn't call him, and my mom passed, and maybe he had to hear it from someone else. I don't know. So I walk out my bedroom and there was, like, this hallway, and there's, like, the washer and dryer. And then, like, you turn, and then it was like an open concept living room and kitchen. So I turned the corner, and now we're standing in the living room.
TheeRealJoy:And I see my best friend off the corner of my eye, kind of like where my counter and my refrigerator is. So I'm like, first of all, when did you get here? I haven't seen you and, like, what what's going on? Like, I haven't talked to you. Haven't seen you.
TheeRealJoy:That's crazy. And now I'm putting, like, all the pieces together of what's going on. Like, oh, you're mad because this person is here, but you really never met this person. So how do you know that this person is who it is? So come to find out when my ex was walking into my house, he asked my best friend, oh, are you with family?
TheeRealJoy:Like, who are you here to see? And he said his name. My ex knew his name. And from that point, that's why he walked into my room and said what he said. I would give you my condolences, but I see you don't need them.
TheeRealJoy:So as I'm putting all these pieces together, I literally hear my ex say, and what you still doing here? And walked over to the guy and swings on him and starts to hit him. So I'm like, wait a minute. Like, now, let's keep in mind, mother just passed away probably, like, an hour ago. We're fresh from the hospital.
TheeRealJoy:I was just sitting in my room. We're just catching you up so y'all can stay with me. So my best friend at the time was someone, like, we never had a relationship, but he was just someone that, like, we just understood each other. Y'all know situationships and they get messy, but I was not gonna let my ex take his anger out on him. Like, did I pick a side that night?
TheeRealJoy:Absolutely. Because what we have going on has nothing to do with this person, and you're not going to take your anger out on him. So I immediately got in between them. And I'm like, you're not gonna, like, hurt him or, like, get mad at him. So because now I'm wedging myself in between them, he's like, oh, so you're defending this person.
TheeRealJoy:Like, this is who you wanna defend, and starts fighting me. And when I tell you, it's so crazy when we talk about relationships, how someone that you have once planned your life with, how you shared all these moments within the blink of an eye can change over and become your enemy or, like, someone who's inflicting harm on you is just, like, so crazy to me. And I remember telling him, like, look at me. Look at me. Like, I because, you know, have you ever seen someone get so mad that they don't even look like themselves anymore?
TheeRealJoy:Like, they have literally snapped into, like, a different person? That's what I was feeling with him, and I just wanted him to, like from who I knew him as, I'm like, this is not you. Like, come on. Like, look at me. And I just remember being on the couch and him standing over me, like, choking me.
TheeRealJoy:And like I said, the night is still a blur. So, like, you'll hear me kinda go in and out. My god sister and her friend at the time kinda got him off of me, and we got him out of the house. I remember, like, all 3 of us, like, pushing on the door trying to keep him out of the house. My best friend ran into my room and locked himself in there because he had nothing to do with it.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I didn't want him to be there defending me. I did that's not what I needed at the time because I knew that the anger that was coming from my ex was directly being directed at him, and he wasn't the issue. So as my ex is outside, little did I know okay. Now this is this is where it gets crazy. My next door neighbor at the time was a lady who went to my church.
TheeRealJoy:I never knew that. I never knew that. So as he's outside, he's telling this lady, all my business because he's so upset. He's like, oh, she's in there. Now mind you, I have one child.
TheeRealJoy:She's 10. It got back to the church that one of my baby daddies found me in bed with another baby daddy, and that's why there was a fight at my house. Where the second kid came from, I still don't know. My baby daddy was not there. He was in New York, so there was no baby daddy there at all.
TheeRealJoy:And that will kinda is where I'm gonna incorporate the church hurt from because, like I said, my history from church being born into the church and have them one night that could kinda take all that away and have people who have known you for literally 25 years of your life take the word of someone and just completely tear away your character, everything about you. But we'll get into that. Let me finish my story. So she was outside talking to my ex, telling him they were just, like, sharing all these different details about my life. And I remember her I came outside because we were all inside, and I'm, like, looking around my house that I had just moved into, I think, 17 days before this occurred.
TheeRealJoy:I see blood all over my floor, blood on my refrigerator. Everything is just ruined, like couches that I just got delivered maybe a week ago, blood all over. I am so angry. And now thinking back to it, I don't even know if I was angry at that or now that grief is starting to set in. And I just lost my mom.
TheeRealJoy:I'm angry. And now I had someone literally come into my space and violate it in such a way. I became so angry, y'all, that I flew open that door, and I went outside. And you would have thought I was a man. Like, I approached him, and I screwed up.
TheeRealJoy:Like, oh, you're gonna have to fight me now. Like, you're going to fight me because why do you think that this is okay? So I'm trying to hit him. We're, like, going at it. And this woman who goes to my church says to me, do you think this is the way your mom would want you to act the night she passes away?
TheeRealJoy:I'm like, lady, are you serious right now? Like, do you think that that is what I need to hear in this very moment? And the thing is she never held him accountable. She was, like, on his side, like, trying to get him back into the house. I think he said, oh, at the time, he so he was renting a car from Enterprise because, like, through his job.
TheeRealJoy:And it was we had made this, like, whole thing where I was going to take the car down while I was with my mom. So I had his car. He was like, give me my keys. He had, like, lost his glasses in the fight at my house. He's like, I need to come back in to find my glasses.
TheeRealJoy:No. You don't get to do that. And I will find you your keys. Relax. Like, it was just all these things that he was, like, spewing.
TheeRealJoy:And she was just taking it in. And it was just like she never tried to console me. She never tried to calm me down. It was just like she just automatically took his side for whatever reason. And I think that bothered me so much because when we talk about bridging the gap and, like, older women, like, I think at that time, I was just looking for someone to just, like like, I was my mom's baby.
TheeRealJoy:Right? Like so it's like I was looking for an older woman to kinda, like, wrap their arms around me and be like, you're okay. Like, yes, your mom is not here, but, like, I'm gonna stand in this way. And, like, I just honestly probably just needed a hug from her, and that would have, like, been fine for me. But that didn't happen.
TheeRealJoy:Right? So long story short, we're outside fighting. The police comes. I really think he knew the police officer because they never arrested him. And they actually came in my house and was like, okay.
TheeRealJoy:I need his keys. I need his glasses and blah blah blah. Like, they were handling the situation as I was, like, the person that, like, needed to basically be arrested. But I guess maybe to his defense, he only saw the second part of me, like, running out the house and trying to, like, beat his ass. So that makes sense.
TheeRealJoy:But that night, like I said, shook my world up so much because, like I said, you talking about grief, you're talking about domestic violence. You're just talking about so many components of that night that just, like, shook my world to the point of I remember sitting I ended up having to spend a night in my god sister's house that night because my window got busted. He also busted my window because when we got him out of the house, he wanted to make his way back in looking at all that had took place. Right? Like, we could go back to the hospital.
TheeRealJoy:We could go back to this moment. It was such a ground shifting moment for me because it's like, usually, when something like that would happen, who would I call? My mom. But I couldn't. So I think it gave me this, like, fire to depend on me and only me in that moment.
TheeRealJoy:Right? Like, you are the person who like, what would they say? No one's coming to save you. No one's coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
TheeRealJoy:And in that moment, like I said, that was the most when I just look back at my 32 years of living, that moment was such a people probably hear my story right now. Like, oh, that's so tragic. Like, I hate that that happened to you. I don't look at it that way. As crazy as that sounds, not that I'm happy that that happened, but I needed it.
TheeRealJoy:It shook me up. It realized that my purpose is greater than what I ever imagined. And the fact that I was able to be so resilient and wake up that next day and do what I needed to do. Like, that was the thing. Like, when I tell people my story, they're like, woah.
TheeRealJoy:Like, and you're just like, you would never know. Like, you don't look like what you've been through. And I used to laugh at it, but I'm like, maybe that's a gift. Right? Like, maybe, like, I need to share with people, like, the crazy stuff.
TheeRealJoy:Like, I have a friend that's like, your life is a Tyler Perry movie. That's what he says to me. When I call him, he's like, alright. What chapter are we on? Like, what Tyler Perry movie?
TheeRealJoy:Like, call Tyler Perry, please. So I say that that we are here. That moment has brought us here in the whole such a circle, like, full circle moment. So if y'all are ready to hear more stories like that, if y'all are ready to hear the topics, like I said, of grief, relationships, failed relationships. I have a failed marriage to talk about.
TheeRealJoy:We have a divorce to talk about. We got a lot of stuff coming. So thank you for being here with me. I hope that I see you the next episode so we could continue on with what we started. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Real Joy podcast.
TheeRealJoy:I hope today's conversation brought you closer to finding your own joy and left you feeling inspired. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. If you like what you heard, share it with your circle. It might be just the thing they need. Let's keep growing, glowing and finding joy together.
TheeRealJoy:Until next time. Take care of yourself and remember to keep it relaxed, relatable and real. See you soon.
